You gotta have faith...

There is a phrase that people use quite frequently, if you are dealing with infertility and other things too, that is meant to be comforting, but is just plain annoying. What is this phrase, you may ask? "It will happen when it's supposed to happen" There may be some truth to it, yes, but that does not help me. It's kinda like saying "oh, don't worry", to me that would be exactly the same as saying "oh, just stop caring about it" First of all, there is no way that I would not stop worrying about it. I could see how you don't want to be obsessive or overly stressed, but come on! After trying for over two years, I think I'm way past the breezy, carefree "oh, lets just see" phase. There is a time to be patient, and there is a time to act. That brings me to my next point, which is, it kinda implies telling you not to do anything. Well, I know that if I never did anything and just did the "let nature take it's course" thing, I would never get pregnant. How do I know this? Well, even if I didn't have any problems, my husband still did! If I had never done anything myself, I wouldn't have had the motivation for getting him to do anything either. So even though now I am in a "you gotta have patience" phase right now, I am still active, I'm still trying to figure things out.

So what would I like to hear instead? I really prefer "Have faith that things will work out in the way they need to"I like what the word faith implies, its something more active, it gives you a little more control, at least over what you are feeling, and it can lead to action. To some it might be a little preachy, but having faith is huge for me. I think I would've just given up if I didn't have faith that yes, I was meant to have my own children, and to have them with my husband. I have had experiences that have kept me on this path and have affirmed my feelings. Its hard, though, faith is an active thing, its not just something you have, its something you do, something you practice. Sometimes you are faced with things that you just don't want to do, and it takes summoning faith to power through them. Today, I was helping my sister organize her baby room in her new house. Was it the easiest thing for me? No, but she needed my help and even though I started to feel sad, I put it aside and just thought "Someday it will be me. I know it" And I kept having to say that until I really felt it. I am also trying to prepare myself for when she has her baby, which could be any time now. I excited for her and to meet my new niece, but its kinda a double-edged sword. There is joy in it, but given my situation, there is sadness in me too. But I know that it will be alright. I am stronger than I was before, and I know that I can get through this and be even more strong. Even if I feel sad or depressed, I will be okay.

Results are in

Hey, Everyone, I hope you all had a fun Valentines Day! Mine was good. Did all the typical Valentines Day things. You know, guys complain about having to get girls presents for valentines, when it's so easy for them. The holiday pretty much dictates: flowers, card, chocolates. No thought required! We girls don't have a that kind of privilege, we actually have to put more thought into what we give our sweethearts. I wonder what the male equivalent of flowers and chocolates would be. A video game and a bag of Doritos perhaps? I don't know....

Anyway, I've got an update. Got my test results back. Looks like I'm ovulating (good news), and my progesterone is in the normal range, but in my opinion still a bit low. My level was a 11.6 on day 21 which is good, you want it to be a 10-12, but higher is better. I talked to my cousin Tabby because she knows alot about this kind of stuff. She said that if you have a level of 10 then it means you ovulate, but it need to be at 12 for the egg to be big or developed(something like that) enough to be able to conceive. I could possibly do it with that 11.6, who knows?

I'd be more convinced if it was just a stinkin' 12! Anyway, my doctor doesn't think I need to be on progesterone now, but would definitely put me on it after I get pregnant. And he said he would prescribe me progesterone now if I thought I would feel better with it. I don't know. Even though it helped me feel alot better when I first took it, the past six months I've been using it, it seem to not be as effective. It did help just enough to take the edge off, but I've still been having depression. I think it helped me manage my anxiety better, I didn't get as panic-y. I am willing to try being without it, seeing as my levels are fine, but I know that it is something I had to be on for a while at least. I can always have him prescribe it if I feel I really need it again.

I also got my thyroid checked, and its now hyper when it used to be on the other side (hypo). Last time I got it checked, I had leveled out, but its one of those things you have to check more frequently and adjust your dosage as you need it. My doctor was going to reduce my dosage, but now wants me off of it for a month and will test it again. Hmmm, guess it will be something that I will have to try. I do think going on medication for it was something that I needed to do at the time, and do for a while. I'm kinda hoping that my body can readjust itself, it would be nice not to have to worry about taking meds. I still need my supplements, though, I know that.

Anyway, I'm super glad that I'm ovulating so I don't have to take a fertility drug for that. We will see how the next couple of months go. Hopefully, we will figure out what my body needs at this time to get pregnant!

Dealing with the Baby Brigade -plus- Some More Info on Reproduction

Today I get to go to the lab and get my blood drawn. It's been a while since I had that done, not my favorite thing in the world, but not too bad. I'm anxious for the results because then I'll have some more info on what other steps I need to take.

Now being my age, having tons of cousins, lots of friends, and just living in baby making central (Utah) in general, there is no end to the continual onslaught (maybe not the best word, but I can't think of another right now) of pregnant women and new babies. It's the baby brigade people, a parade of new babies that never ends. Oh, you think that it's over, that there will be a break from it at least for a few months, but no, just as it's finished, a new wave is on its way. It never ends! Which leaves us infertile women thinking that there is some magic potion that we aren't privy to. Or just something in the water that we don't absorb. Hey, if there was some sort of "magic kool-aid" to get pregnant, I'd gladly take it. Anyway, there's been a crop of new babies lately, mostly from my cousins. They are darling little things. But you always are end up feeling left out no matter the cuteness of the babies. I've got to prepare myself for a new niece soon and 2 new nephews in a few months. But I know that even given my situation, the best thing to do is to be a mother to these new children. No, they are not "mine" in the conventional sense, but that doesn't mean that I can't help raise them or be a good example or love them. And there are perks to being the fun Aunt. Anyway, it takes fair number of good people in a child's life to help them and be good examples. Just some thoughts for today.

Oh, and kinda on an unrelated note, it is quite the harrowing journey for sperm to reach the egg! I watched this video which doesn't really give much information, but I thought it was a good illustration of "The Great Sperm Race" :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6wlyDoDS1c

And this Nova program has more info on the sperm's journey and other things about pregnancy:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/miracle/program.html

Interesting stuff!

Wa, Wa, Waaaa!

I've been kinda lazy with my blog lately, I'll admit that.I really should make an effort to write everyday, at least 5 times a week, seeing as it helps to keep me focused.

My anxiety has been creeping up on me again. I had use of the car on Monday, so I went out to look for a few things for a couple of craft projects at home (an art project, reupholstering a chair and some other stuff). Seth also bought me some of those crazy Vibram 5 finger shoes on Saturday and I went looking for some toe socks to go with them. I've seen them at places like Target before, but of course the minute you start actually searching for something specific like toe socks, you can never find them. While I was out, I started getting anxious for no reason at all, heart pounding, shaky hands, that kind of thing. I wasn't dealing with being out very well. I would find some things to buy, but right before I went to buy them, I got anxious, shoved them on a shelf and had to quickly get out of the store. Don't know what that's about, but I haven't been dealing with stress well lately, just pushing it to the side to deal with later. I've been a bit of a hermit for a few months, not having daily access to a car might have gotten me used to being at home too much. Grr! I hate anxiety!

I hope I don't sound too pathetic. I feel like it sometimes. I was going through some stuff in storage and found a present I had gotten for my hubby to give to him when we got pregnant...I got it over a year ago. ug. that felt pretty pathetic. Oh, well, I do things like that, make plans,buy baby things, ect. because it helps keep the hope alive that it will happen one day. But finding these relics is kinda a downer too.

I hope tomorrow is better. Hey, if there is anything you guys reading would like to know or ask about, let me know. I'd love some topic ideas! This blog helps keep me going and I'd love to write about things you are interested in.

If you need a good laugh, just picture me wearing these:

http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/products/Five-Fingers-Bikila-Womens.htm

Everyone should have their dream come true...

Going through this journey, I have found that even though everyone's case of infertility is different, there is still a multitude of options to be able to have the family that you dream of. One of those options is adoption, and it is no less hard to go through than any of the medical options. My friends, James and Karen looking to adopt, and it has been a difficult process just going through all the paperwork and everything else.Through it all, they have faith that they will be able to start a family.

If you have a moment today, please check out my friend's slideshow they created for their adoption profile. James and Karen are great friends and would be wonderful parents. They have a great sense of humor and are very genuine and kind people. If you know anyone that might be placing a baby for adoption, they would love to know! They are very willing to have an open adoption as well. You can contact them at dream2beparents@yahoo.com

http://secure.smilebox.com/ecom/openTheBox?sendevent=4d6a49324e6a63344d546b3d0d0a&blogview=true&campaign=blog_playback_link

Laughter, the best medicine?

I came across this story the other day and I thought it was pretty interesting:

http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/health/2011/02/01/2011-02-01_medical_clowns_may_boost_ivf_treatment_success_laughing_may_lower_stress_raise_i.html

Basically, a group of Israeli women undergoing IVF treatments were given 15-minute visits from a trained "medical clown" immediately after the embryos were implanted. The goal of the study was to see if laughter reduced stress in the women and if that lead to better results. Well, the percentage of success was 36% compared to group that didn't receive any treatment whose success rate was 20%.

I really think that was a cool study to do, seeing as that kind of treatment would be really stressful and if I went through it, I would try anything to help, even if it sounded kinda silly at first. I know that laughter really helps me to relax, and I'm glad to have a husband that will do anything to make me laugh (though he does annoy me on purpose to make himself laugh sometimes).

I was also wondering what exactly Israeli humor is like. Apparently, the University of Haifa in Israel is the only medical school to offer a degree in medical clowning. Huh. So they must take humor pretty seriously, at least in the way they believe that it really helps with medical procedures. I just hope that it's better that Latin humor, the stuff they put on TV anyway. Never got the whole dress-up-an-old-man-as-a-red-headed-boy-with-freckles thing. But there are some things about American humor I'm sure other people don't get either. Like the reliance on fart jokes. Classic as it may be, it is a little crass. But I'll still laugh.

Woo-hoo!!!

Yesterday I called the doctor's office to see if hubby's test results were in. They had to track them down so I waited for their call. In the afternoon they finally called back, but said they couldn't tell me because we didn't sign a release. Wha??? The lab never even gave us one to sign! But the nurse who call me said that they had told my husband the results already. He didn't call me! So I waited at home way anxious but too nervous to call him because I thought it might be bad news and thats why he didn't want to call me.

But then he came home and the first thing he said was "Good News!". He passed the test! His boys can swim, yeah!! Everything was normal and good. I wish I could have talked to them, though and gotten more details, but it is great to know everything is good with him. Now if only I can get myself figured out and what I need to do. But we've got one step of the process down. But I'm feeling better and ready to move on!

Heres a little reflection of how I feel, Seinfeld style:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJBZDrUEYYo&feature=related