Infertility Insanity

Okay, so I haven't written in a few days. I've been a little unmotivated recently. I think going off progesterone has caused me to have more headaches because I've had migraines this past week. I know I can't take yet though, because I need to figure out a new dosage or different way to take it. To do that I want to see how my body performs without it. And I have to wait until a certain cycle day to be tested which is over 2 weeks from now. I know that I wasn't taking the right amount because before I started taking it I would have headaches and bad anxiety and depression. Then when I started, that got better. For the past few months those symptoms have been slowly coming back. And taking more didn't really help. So I'm trying to get that figured out. And it may be due to me not taking my supplements on a regular basis anymore. I need to get back on track with that, because those help alot. I was taking about 20 pills a day of different medications/supplements. Now I can get by with a basic 4, but should really be taking 10. In case you are interested this is what I need to take: thyroid medication, prenatals (good all around multi), iodine supplement (for thyroid),Vitamin D (for depression), Vitamin B (I have to take alot for my body to absorb, like 10 times the regular dosage), Salmon Oil (helps with depression), a special blend for Stress, Magnesium, a Pro-biotic, and L-Triptophan (prescribed for depression). The ones I have been taking lately are just thyroid meds, vitamin D, iodine, and prenatals. And I haven't been doing it everyday either. No wonder I don't feel my best.

My anxiety was kickin' this weekend. I was fine until Sunday, when I woke up with a migraine and a nauseous stomach. I only went to part of church, and starting crying in the middle of it. I get emotional a random times, I've gotten better at controlling it, but yesterday at church was a challenge. Even though I wasn't feeling well, I still felt guilty for leaving and not teaching my nursery class. I went home and slept, and the rest of the day was better, but I still had that upset stomach. My anxiety usually goes right to the stomach. Hubby helped me to relax and feel better, but last night I couldn't sleep and I kept thinking about something totally unrelated to anything I felt this week. I guess my mind just wanted something else to focus on. I don't know where this anxiety is really coming from. Maybe it's the progesterone or lack of supplements, maybe it's because I went to my sister's baby shower on Saturday and my mind doesn't want to deal with that, it's probably all of the above. I'm hoping to do better this week. Today I have to call the doctors office to see if they've got hubby's semen analysis results in yet, oh yeah, that's another thing that might be contributing. I better go play Dance Central right now, I'm in need of a mood boost. Hope everyone is having a good day!

Sigh!

Well, things went good at the hospital today, better than last time at least. So am I happy about that.

Last night, I went to Walmart and picked up some things for my sister's baby shower this weekend. I went to check out and it was pretty slow so I went to one line where a cashier from the next line over was cooing to a baby in that line. I walked up and she was like " Oh, I can help you over one this other line!". So as I was checking out she starts going on on how cute the baby was, ect. She saw the baby stuff I was buying and said " Oh, how old is yours?". I had to reply " Oh, I don't have one". I've gotten pretty good at saying those things casual, but inside my heart breaks a little. Its not nice to have to say that when you would love to be able to talk about your baby. But you don't have one. So you are reminded again. Oh, well, and its not like I hold anything against her, she didn't know. And that is totally fine.

But its like you don't belong to the club that everyone else is in with ease. Since I am still relatively new to my neighborhood, I am still meeting new people. There are lots of young moms around my age and I would like to be able to talk to them, but it seems like since their lives center around their kids, I don't have anything to talk to them about. I've tried, but once it comes to the "Do you have any kids?" or even worse the "How old are your kids?" questions, I have to be like "I don't have any."Most people are pretty cool, but them sometimes you get the most dreaded response, "Oh." then silence. I am really glad I have found some friends out here to talk to and are really nice. But I've gotten those responses too that are like "you don't have kids? what do I talk to you about then?". I know that they don't mean to reject me, but it feels like that sometimes. Anyway, I know thats not how it really is(I hope not!), I am aware of that, it's just sometimes its hard not to be sensitive.

Anyway, I'm not opposed to hearing about people's children. I like it because it gives me a concept on how people actually raise their kids, which is a skill that I'm going to need someday. I am really grateful to have good examples of Mothers and I just want to say "You Rock!" to all the mothers I know out there. Oh, and a special shout out to my friends Johnny and Trish who brought home their adopted baby girl this week! I love hearing good news from people who have struggled with infertility as well. It gives me hope and I get excited to hear it!

Awkward!

I was a little depressed last night, but I did yoga today and I'm feeling better. Its been a few months since I've done yoga, and I didn't realize how much I missed it. It can be hard, but I love that you get to relax and meditate at the end. Its totally worth it. Anyway, just a small update- we get to go in to do the semen analysis tomorrow! No, not really exiting, actually very, very awkward. Its not fun. But I am really looking forward to getting the results. We will see if my hubby's surgery

last June did any good. I'm nervous though! Wish me luck!

Oh, and don't be shy to comment on my posts! I love comments!

Top 10

Okay, time to get real. I'm planning some big revelations this week about how I really feel and have felt in the past. Hope I don't offend. Just trying to be honest here, which is hard for me because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm always afraid that I will, so I hide things. But I do get angry and can really be mean. I am really nice and quiet for the most part and most people can't imagine that I can be really mean and nasty, but I have had some serious blowups before. Probably because I let everything build up, I can admit that. If you ever have a confrontation with me and I get really mean, just know that I feel instantly guilty and will end up leaving the room and crying about it. Anyway I going to start of with some top 10 lists, in no particular order.

The Top 10 Reasons why Infertility Sucks

1. It seems like everyone gets pregnant except you.

2. Sex leads to pregnancy? Really? I'm thinking: is there is some mystical vodoo rain dance I have to perform to get pregnant? because there is no way sex can do that!

3. Hearing the lame joke "well, it will be good birth control for you!" when other people's kids are acting up and they find out you don't have any kids yourself (I hear this alot being in nursery) First, its kinda like you're dissing your own child. Secondly, yes, I know you are not aware we have problems but I really want to reply "Actually, we're infertile, but thanks for bringing that up!"( I really should, but again, don't like hurting people's feelings). Third, it's a lame joke, really.

4. Hearing pregnant women complain about being pregnant, especially when they know you have problems. Must. restrain. from. strangling. you!

5.Seeing a negative pregnancy test month after month. Dealing with the immediate let down. Even when you tell yourself not to expect anything and no matter how much you are used to it, it is always depressing.

6. Knowing that people feel pity for you. And on that note, not telling us that you are pregnant because it might hurt our feelings. We will find out eventually, and it hurts more that you were not upfront with us. Yeah, we might be upset at first, but we will get over it, we're adults for goodness sake. Don't take it personal if we are a little mean. It's the situation that is frustrating, not you personally.

7. Also, Don't be afraid to ask us about how things are going. If we don't want to talk about it, we won't. Let that go. Its still nice to know that you care and if we are feeling open we will share.

8. Does anyone actually want to go to the doctor, endure treatments, do anything medically unless they have to? No, because it sucks no matter what you are dealing with.

9. If your hormones are not messed up on their own, they are being messed with. You try living with PMS all the time.

10. Living with the fact that no matter how much you want something, the odds are that you can't. You are failing all the time. You don't feel like a woman because you naturally can't do what is natural for other women to do. And it is really hard to understand why.

And since I am trying daily to be positive I want to end up with things on a positive note, because life is still good! I don't ever want to let something destroy who I am.

Top 10 Things I am Grateful For:

1. My home and the ability to take care of it.

2. Eventhough I live in Suburbia, I get a nice view looking out the back of my house. This was the view one evening last week. Lovely.

3. For a husband that works hard and loves me. That I can stay at home if and we can afford it.

4. For cute nephews and nieces. You bring joy to my heart. My sister is pregnant a due next month and I like that she lets me touch her belly and feel the baby kicking and moving. Can't wait to meet another cute niece!

5. That my husband worked out a carpooling schedule with his co-worker. We sold one of our cars in September and I have pretty much gone without one, leaving me at home by myself all day. Doesn't really help with having depression. But now I get to have the car on a more regular basis, yeah!

6. Good friends who are silly and let me be silly too.

7. Dance Central. I love that game!

8. Having my parents live closer. They lived in South America for 13 years and its still amazing to me that I can call them anytime I want. I love it!

9. That I was able to loose 15 pounds last summer and fall and have been able to keep it off. I feel better and love having healthy habits.

10. That I have a spiritual side and an outlet for it. Not just church, but feeling connected and knowing that things will get better. Knowing that I can change and grow.

Stress and Sweetness (teaching my nursery class)

I really enjoy Sundays. It is really nice to be able to go to church. My husband an I teach nursery, which is 2 hours of taking care of 2 and 3 year olds, teaching them a lesson, singing time and lots of playing. It was really hard to deal with being around all those kids at first. I really was like "Why did they ask me to do this? I don't want to be reminded that I don't have any children!". At first it was really depressing, and I had a hard time handling it. Now there are a lot of things I love about it. I love playing with them and teaching them and comforting them when they are sad. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely those stressful moments. If a child is screaming for their parents or unhappy I get flustered. And I feel really guilty if I can't comfort them or help them feel better. And I feel guilty if it annoys me too, because I'm the adult and suppose to be able to deal with it. It makes me feel like I won't be a good Mom because inside I want to tell them to shut it! But I access the positive part of me and do my best to help distract them and get them to play. I am really grateful to have my husband there because he doesn't have a problem with taking them out to find their parents. I feel really embarrassed taking them out because I feel like I failed them in some way or it is like saying " I can't handle your kid!" I guess thats good training to become a parent is dealing with those type of feelings, am I right? But for the most part, its good. The kids in my class are so funny. I like to encourage them to be silly because I really want them to have fun in the class so that they want to be there. Last week we made a "train" with the chairs and they got on it and I took them on a trip to the North Pole. It was one of the kid's idea to make a train so I went with it! It is also really good to get them to respond to the lesson. They only have about a 3 minute attention span when it comes to that, but I try my best to keep them engaged. I don't expect much, but I still try. Its funny because usually I get nervous to be in nursery, but I end up having a good time, even with dealing with the crying and fighting between the kids sometimes. Anyways, I am really glad that I am able to get through it week after week. Its amazing how you can feel love for them and feel like they start to love you too. One of the little boys got hurt today, so I held him on my lap and he stayed for a while even after he felt better. It was very sweet. Anyway, life is good. I know I have some hard times ahead and some big decisions to make, but I am really grateful for the little sweet moments in my life.

In search of facts

So tired...I've thrown myself into some home projects for the past 2 days. I re-did all the pillows in my front room (8 total). When I made them before I did it really quick, just basically using glue and safety pins. So I finally redesigned them and actually got out the sewing machine. This of course caused and big mess, which lead me to reorganize all of my craft stuff tonight. We're talking serious reorganization- the label maker was involved. And I've had a headache all day. I must have inherited some of my mother's ability to continue moving and working even when you don't feel that great. I say that she's like a shark, if she quits moving, she'll die... because she spends all day being busy. I'm not all the way like that, but it does help distract you from pain when you are busy working on something. Anyway, I'm sort of rambling.

I've been reading up on infertility facts around the internet, but have been reluctant to post anything because some things don't match up exactly from different sources. For example, some sites say that 1 in 6 couples in the U.S. experience fertility problems, some say 1 in 7, one said 1 in 10. And its seem like they either go with the on third view ( one third attributed to female problems, one third to male, one third for both) or the 40%,40%,20% view. So I really wonder where they get these numbers anyway. I studied a little bit of statistics in college and did a student survey project so I am more interested in looking at the actual data and methods of study.

Then my cool cousin Amy send me a link to a report about Assisted Reproductive Technology. Its about the success rates of AST at U.S. fertility clinics and other great info as well. I've haven't read much of it yet but its seems really interesting. Here's the link if anyone wants to find out more about some techniques that are used and the success rates of those techniques:

http://www.cdc.gov/art/ART2007/

Well, good night. Time for me to get some rest. I've got a brutally honest post coming soon I will entitled "The Ugly Truth", so keep reading. I've got some good ideas about other posts too. Love you!

Burden Lifted

Whew! So glad to get my doctors appointment over with. It went good! I still got nervous and sick and shaky, but it wasn't too bad. Not as intense as it has been before, anyway. My doctor was a really nice older man, and he was very kind so it put me more at ease. Anyway, so here is what I am going to do. I'm going to go off my progesterone and then get tested(blood drawn) in my next cycle to check my levels and see if I am ovulating (I'm not sure if I always do). Also getting Seth a semen analysis done and sent to my doctor next week (here's hoping they've learned how to swim). If my progesterone is still low than I will try a different type. I am actually quite curious to see how my body does by itself. I've been on progesterone for almost 2 years now, and its been a while since I've checked it, so I'm hoping my body has adjusted enough so that I won't have to take it again, but we will see. I'm willing to try it at least. I've waited so long that a few more months of figuring things out is not really going to bother me. So if things are good with both of us, the doctor didn't think that it would be too hard to get pregnant. If it doesn't look like I'm ovulating than he said I could go on a fertility med like Clomid (basically tricks you body into ovulating) if we felt ok about that. If after a little while it doesn't work, then he said I will have more tests done, an ultrasound and such.

I am feeling really good and I think that we will have it figured out in a few months. I'm really excited! I have to wait about a month before I can get my blood drawn to check my levels (you have to get it done on a certain day in you cycle). It will be okay, I'm getting pretty good at this waiting game. It been a pretty long road, but I think things have happened in the right timing, even though its been frustrating. I, of course, don't want to wait forever, but I really feel like we are going in a good direction!

Phobia at the Doctor's Office!

Tomorrow I go to the doctor. I'm a little nervous, I always get a little nervous. Now why is that? I'm not afraid of blood, or needles..seeing them doesn't bother me in the least. But ever since I was a child, I've been...super...empathetic. If someone just describes and illness or injury or pain, my mind takes it in and I feel it. Its as if my imagination somehow goes overboard and I feel it. I almost passed out in a health class in 7th grade because of the teacher describing back injuries. My husband complain of a spasm in his elbow and my own elbow hurt for 2 days. My grandma had knee surgery last year, and while visiting her in the hospital, some discussion was made about her surgery and my own knee started hurting and I felt sick. Its a natural reaction that I have no control over. And when my mind can't frame exactly what it feels like, I get very anxious, I feel it in the pit of my stomach and my whole body feels light headed. It's like I am going to throw up and pass out at the same time. I also get really sweaty and clammy. If it gets really bad then my vision will start getting all white and closing in like a cartoon ending circle.

I've never passed out yet, but have definitely been on the brink of it. At the very least I get nauseous. So, by having all of these experiences, even when I am in a doctors office I start to feel sick. I suppose its sort of a phobia, an irrational fear. But I can go to the doctor and not want to run away screaming. It is just not the easiest thing for me. And I know that if I actually do it, and do medical things, that it won't ever be as bad as I thought, its just that I want to avoid that feeling so I do try and avoid medical things. Oh, yeah, when my husband had surgery last year and was in the recovery room, the nurse came in to take his IV out. I had to turn around and I heard him going "ow!ow!". My arm started hurting and I felt like throwing up. I was starting to dry heave. When it was over I asked him how bad it was and he was like "Oh, it didn't hurt coming out, the tape was just ripping my arm hairs out". This is how it is, my mind transcends the reality of a situation and makes it the worst it could be.

Anyway, you could see why I've been avoiding things like that. But I have resolved this year to face some of my fears.

So wish me luck!My appointment is tomorrow afternoon. And if you know anything about what questions I should ask, let me know!

The Male Perspective on Infertility

Ah, another Monday, another laundry day. One of the perks of being at home and not working is getting to do all the household chores! Ok, I really don't get excited about cleaning (who does?), but I do love a clean house. And I am grateful that I don't have to work. I get bored sometimes, its not as easy as you would think, but I am grateful that I have a husband that can support us and we have all the things that we need. My husband in a wonderful man, but by no means perfect. During this whole battle there have been plenty of times when I just don't get him. I wanted him to understand so badly what I was going through, but he never would bring up are problems or show that much of an interest in it. That is really frustrating! So I started researching about the male perspective on infertility because I needed to understand what he was feeling, even if he wasn't sharing it with me. I've including some links at the end to some articles I found helpful.

What I found out was that it is really hard of men, they do have some of the same feelings women do. Loss of control, identity problems, grief, ect. But they have the added task of being the protector and provide for their wives and also the social pressure to not show emotion, ever. In our case, my husband was always trying to comfort me, but he would say things like "don't worry" or "it will work out". It didn't comfort me though, because I felt like he was dismissing my feelings even though he was trying to protect me. This quote from link number 2 sums it up pretty well :"The man, in an attempt to defend his wife may think, “I don’t want you to hurt anymore”, which might lead him to react in ways that make the wife feel he isn't as interested in having children as she is interested."

You really start to feel like they don't care because they don't ever want to talk about it. But talking about it is the best thing that you can do for them. Here is a quote from link number 1 explaining why:" We know infertility is dreary and dark. We know emotional clouds will hang over us frequently, even daily. Yet, when we’re with other male friends, even for extended periods of time, a facade is assumed, and we maintain an outlook that appears sunny and bright, as if infertility were no trouble at all. We behave as if there’s no sign of rain in the extended forecast. Sure, a small shower might be mentioned every now and then with certain close friends, but on the whole, we act like the weather is fine".

While women can feel safe discussing their emotions with their friends, men don't have the same opportunity to do so with their friends. Thats why it is important for their wives to create that safe place for them and help them give voice to their feelings. It is really important for women to share their feelings with their spouse. I didn't talk to my husband for a long time because I didn't think he cared because he acted like it didn't affect him at all. I know now that that is not the case at all. So I have been able to be more open with him, and talk about things. It is better because I don't feel so alone, even if he doesn't really talk that much about it, just getting him to admit it was hard for him too was enough for me. And I know that I can come to him now and he will comfort me. Anyway, I think these links have some very good information regarding the male perspective. They helped me to understand my husband more. I love him so much and am glad to have a supportive partner.

1. http://www.infertilitysurvivalguide.com/issues/chapter3.htm

2. http://www.ronedmondson.com/2010/10/7-emotions-from-the-mans-side-of-infertility.html

3. http://www.gynob.com/male-perspective-on-infertility.htm

The world needs us to be good (Molly gets some bad news).

I am in shock. Today I was on facebook and came across a story on my newsfeed, posted by a friend from my old hometown in Washington. A very disturbing story about a former friend of mine going to jail for possession of child pornography among other things.

Here is the link to the story, but I have to warn you, its very disturbing, and I didn't even want to read it :

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50785727-76/rhees-child-prison-adopt.html.csp

After what I have been going through, you would think this would anger me. But I just feel sadness, sadness for him and sadness for the children involved. I was pretty good friends with this guy. I knew him from 4th grade through high school. He had a pretty messed up childhood, but he would come to our church. My sister and I took him to seminary and youth activities, and I always tried to be a good friend to him. I knew that things had gone off in a different path for him after high school, but I never thought he would turn out like this. I feel so sad for him, yet I know that because of the path he choose, this is where it lead. I still have hope that he could change someday, but I see that there is no goodness in him anymore. I hope that one day there will be again. I know that whatever we have been through we can change, but it is so, so hard.

I feel sad for any child that has to go through these things. This is NOT the way it should be.

But I am also inspired to be the best parent that I can be, and to be good and kind to all children, and to want to help others and be that good friend. Children are a joy and a gift, they need someone kind and someone to protect them and teach them right. I am grateful to have the gospel in my life, to have that goodness and something that inspires me to be a better person. I am grateful to have the example of good parents, not only from my own parents, but other family members, friends and neighbors. Thank you everyone for your goodness!

Emotions and Coping

Just a small post today. I came across a article about coping with infertility that pretty much nails it on the feelings you go through and ways to deal with those feelings. I'll review a little of what it covers and give my thoughts.

The Original article can be found here:

http://infertility.about.com/od/copingwithinfertility/a/copestress.htm

Emotions:

Loss- In a way you are grieving, which is weird because it is like grieving over something you never had. You still feel it though, your dream to have children is lost, and it seems like it should be natural and easy to accomplish (Millions do every year!) but you can't and you don't really understand why.

Anger or jealousy- This is one of the hardest for me. Why does everyone get pregnant except for me?..is a thought that goes through your mind a lot. I really don't want to be angry at others but you can't help it sometimes. I do get over it pretty quickly, though. It takes some training to be happy for others, but you just have to realize that you want other people to have that joy even though you can't right now.

Denial- yep, don't want to accept it. the key is to accept that you have a problem but to keep going.

Shame- You don't feel like a "real woman" and you blame yourself for every mistake you made in the past, feeling like you are unworthy to be a mother.

Lack of Control- You want so much to be able to have control over your body, over your emotions and you can't sometimes. You don't want to be this way, you don't want to feel this way, but it becomes very overwhelming.

The good news is you can cope with it and learn to manage your feeling. I still feel all those things but have been able to deal with them better. Here is some of the things that the article recommends:

Acknowledge your feelings: it doesn't help to keep them inside, you need support. Don't be afraid to cry on your partners shoulder. Sometimes just getting a hug helps.

Practice Relaxation- Meditation really helps me. Just a few minutes of quiet time to clear your mind can really help you get through the day. And if you feel like crying, do it! It takes some strength to accept how you feel.

Learn as much as you can- I'm in this process right now and it puts some power back into your hands.

Don't let infertility take over your life- Amen! you still have a life to life and can effect people for the better. Take time to really improve your relationships with others and have fun!

Anyway, that's it for now. I've been doing really great the past week. I'm thinking of doing a post about "The top 10 Reasons Infertility Sucks" and "The top 10 Things to be Grateful for" If you have any ideas or thoughts about that, let me know!

Some Inspiration

When you are dealing with infertility, there are times when you feel like giving up, and it breaks your heart. You never really want to give up, but you sometimes feel your efforts are in vain. But there are plenty of moments that keep you going, even when you are hurting inside. You can find a strength within yourself (though it may be only a tiny fraction of strength) to keep you moving on. This can come from any source really. My biggest source is my religion and my spirituality. Now, I know that there are a lot of people who are not into religion, but it really is a huge part of my life, so it will come up in this blog from time to time. And we all need something bigger than us to rely on, even if its not religion. Hey, I've done yoga and meditation and that has helped a lot. You could be into sports, or charity, or politics, or art, music, education. We all need something to keep us going.

My strength lies within my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know he lives and loves me and is always there for me. I know that I can pray to my Heavenly Father and he will listen, even when I am like "I don't understand this!". I'm grateful to be surrounded by people that share my beliefs and friends that help me and love me even when they aren't members of my church. I always find people to inspire me.

Anyway, I was reading this Old Testament Student Manual the other day. My Dad gave me one lately and I've been studying out of it. I was reading about Abraham and the trial he went through when asked to sacrifice his son, Isaac. I can't imagine anything harder to do. While reading, I came across this quote by George Q. Cannon that really stood out to me.

"Why did the Lord ask such things of Abraham?... God did no do this for His own sake for He knew by His foreknowledge what Abraham would do; but the purpose was to impress upon Abraham a lesson and to enable him to attain unto knowledge that he could not obtain in any other way. That is why God tries all of us. It is not for His own knowledge for he knows all things beforehand. He knows all your lives and everything you will do. But he tries us for our own good that we may know for ourselves; for it is most important that man should know himself"

Whether you are religious or not, I think that we can all agree that we never know our true strength until we prove to ourselves we can get through something hard. You never really know you can until you actually experience it and do it. We all have challenges, and it is the best feeling to know we can do it! And it gives up confidence to be able to do other things that are hard to. I am grateful to know this. I know that life will have its hardships and it will effect me, devastate me, but that I can get through it.

p.s. My hubby did something to make me smile last night. I went to the computer, the internet was open and found he'd been looking at what diet regulations you should follow during pregnancy. It was so sweet, he's looking out for my health, and learning about pregnancy! Aww..

A Little Personal History

So now that I've confessed, I think it appropriate to give a little more background on my situation. Every case of infertility is different. There is no one way to get pregnant when you are infertile (no one would really have a problem if there were). Every woman, every couple seems to face a unique problem. There are even those who have "unexplained infertility" as in, they get tested and are completely healthy with no indicators of why they can conceive. I am so glad that is not the case with me. I don't know entirely what my trouble is, but I do know some things about it. So here is a little of what I have been through so far.

In July 2008, my husband and I started trying to have children officially. It was marked by our 2nd wedding anniversary. He was pretty confident he would knock me up first try. Oh, to be that naive again!

In January 2009, I was not doing that well. Ok, the truth is, I was a complete mess. I was dealing with a very stressful situation at my job, and my body was in absolute distress. I couldn't sleep, I was so anxious that I felt I was on the verge of a panic attack all day long. It never let up, I felt I could snap at any moment. This of course feed into my depression. I've been dealing with depression for most of my life. I go through my moments of severe depression. This was one of the times I just wanted to curl up in a ball and never leave my room. But I couldn't relax because of the anxiety and felt as if I stopped moving, the whole world would collapse in on me. Plus the fact that it had been 6 months of trying with no hint of success. I went without having a period for almost 60 days. I've always been pretty regular so that was not normal at all. I took multiple pregnancy tests and no positive ones. During this time, my Mom and Dad were staying in Park City for a ski vacation and I stayed with them for a few days up there. Even on vacation I could not unwind. I went skiing and ended up going down a steep part of the hill I was not ready for. Somehow I did a jump and my knee ended up hitting me right in the head. Now I knew what it was like to be punched in the face! I came completely undone, and walked the rest of the way down, skis on my shoulder, crying my eyes out. Now, usually I would be able to walk to a less steep part and ski the rest of the way down. I could not do it. Now, you might think, what does this have to do your infertility? Well, my emotional stress, culminating in my little accident on the ski hill, is what lead me to pursue some type of medical intervention for the first time. Know this about me: I don't go to the doctor unless I absolutely have to. I'll post later explaining more about that. Anyway, So I got back to my parent's condo and got really, really sick. I probably had a slight concussion now that I think of it. I was throwing up for the rest of the evening. My Mom was taking care of me, she asked if I could be pregnant. I told her what was going on, that I didn't think so. She went out and got me a test. It was negative of course. But I was able to talk to my Mom about things and she strongly recommended I see her Doctor, one that specializes in hormone therapy.

So in early February 2009, First, I quit my job. I figured that if it was causing this much stress that I could barely make it through the day, even when I wasn't at work, it would only be counterproductive to my fertility. Then I went to Dr. Kipp at the Utah Valley Wellness Center. She is great, by the way. If you have any type of hormone problem, she is who you want to see. I got some blood work done, the first time I ever got my blood drawn in my life! The results came back. My thyroid was under productive, my cortisol levels were through the roof. That explained the anxiety and not being able to sleep. Also, I found out my progesterone was too low. Not even low, practically non-existent. You see, a normal number for progesterone is around 16. Mine was .2, not even 1. So she put me on a thyroid medication and progesterone, and a multitude of supplements.

In the months that followed, I got much better. I still had some anxiety and depression, but not nearly to the extent that it was at before. I really thought that it was going to work. But the months started piling up, with no conception. I tested every month, I still do. You see, I have to keep my progesterone level up. If it is not high enough, I will miscarry. My body will not allow me to keep it. So I tested to make sure I would be able to have enough progesterone to carry a baby. I was really paranoid. I did things like stop using toothpaste with fluoride, because fluoride can mess with thyroid functioning, and if that happened, it could throw my hormones off balance. There were lots of other things too, that I still do today (like I can't eat raw cabbage, broccoli or cauliflower, another thyroid thing). I though by doing those things I would be safe. But even that didn't protect me from what was going to happen next.

In August 2009, I had a miscarriage. It was a really early one, one that could have easily gone unnoticed. I have told very few people about this. I even kept it a secret from my husband for four months. I can't explain how devastating it is. I never got to have a belly or really feel it grow, but it still hurt so much. I was pregnant one day and not pregnant the next. It was a simple as that. And I blamed myself because I had gone away with my husband for a weekend and ended up running out of my progesterone, because I forgot to refill it before we left. I went one day without it and got it as soon as I got back. I felt so stupid, all those careful months and the one time I make a mistake, I end up miscarrying! I'll aways wonder if I would have had a child by now if I hadn't missed that one day. But a few months later something happened that eased my guilt a little. I still live with part of it, though. Blaming yourself is a big part of what you feel from being infertile.

So months went on, I knew something else was wrong. Nothing was happening! I tried to talk to my husband who just told me not to worry about it, and that it would happen when it was supposed to. I think he was trying to comfort me, but it had the opposite effect. I told him he really needed to think about if he wanted children. I knew that there had to be something else wrong, and that it might be years until we had children. Did he really want to wait years? This was in March 2010, more than a year and half since we started trying, so you could understand my anxiousness.

In May 2010, my husband had his sperm checked. It was an awful experience for me, one I do not want to relive. I was on edge, did I want something to be wrong with him or not? On one hand, this would be a relief to know it wan't all me. On the other hand, this would make it all the more complicated. Well, the results came in: underdeveloped, not good swimmers(no real mobility). I was so relieved! It wasn't only me! You would think that you wouldn't be happy about it, but I was. Not giddy, but it was a huge burden lifted off me. And I could have miscarried because there was something really wrong with the pregnancy if his sperm were not good. Anyway, his doctor though he might have a varicocele.(His Doctor, by the way, totally looks like the Dude from the Big Lebowski).What a varicocele is, is that the blood is not properly cycling back to the heart and ends up pooling in the testes, making them to hot, and we all know that that is not good for sperm. So he ended up getting an ultrasound to make sure (a really uncomfortable situation for him). The results came back : varicocele for sure. The good news was that he could get surgery to correct it. I was happy, but worried about him going through that.

So in the end of June 2010, my husband got the surgery. He spent a week at home recovering.

Now in the present time, I still not pregnant, so now its time to pursue other options. My hubby still needs to get his sperm checked, I've been bothering him a little about it, but I think I need to up the ante on that one. I can only say that it is hard on him too, but he deals with it differently.

So, I have a doctors appointment next week. Nothing big, just seeing the ol' OB/GYN. I have avoided this for long enough. But I'm excited to see where this leads.

Well, I hope you got an idea of what my life has been like the past 2 1/2 years. I thought it would be good to get it all out. It came out to be longer than I thought, but I'm glad I did it. Its time to move on. I'll keep you posted!

Day 1: My confession

I've been putting up the good fight with my infertility. I say that in the way that I haven't been super open about it. Sure, people close to me know about it and that its hard for me. Of course it would be, that's understandable. But for the most part I try to keep my really dark and painful feelings to myself. So then ultimately, you feel alone, and you can't even explain what you feel to yourself. Its not just sadness you feel, it's anger, frustration, heartache, insecurity, failure, and so many more emotions in between. And you feel crazy and you need some validation about what you're feeling. You almost don't want to say it out loud. You don't want it to be true, even when you know it is. Just saying the word can be hard. Infertile. Barren. Useless. An epic failure of that which is supposed to be completely natural.

So I thought to myself that it would be nice to find a blog chronicling someone's daily struggles with infertility. But why not just do it myself? I've got to face the fact that it's no secret. I'm not entirely comfortable with everyone knowing what I'm going through. But I'm tired of hiding. It's going to be hard to lay it all out there. And I'm trying to make a change in how I'm dealing with it this year. This year will probably be a lot more intense, at least medically. And I absolutely hate medical stuff. Hate and fear it. It's a challenge just to get me into a doctor's office. But my resolve is strengthened. This will be the year for me to face some of my fears. This blog is the start. Now is the time to confess.

My name is Molly. I'm infertile.