He's Arrived!

My sweet baby boy came into the world late friday night. Now, I'm not one for "birth stories". I rarely read other people's because, well, being a little bit medical-o-phobic, I found them a little horrifying and didn't really want to think about those type of things happening to me. People always find a way to make things sound really awful. But I have made alot of progress with dealing with medical things this past year, so I felt pretty secure that I would be able to handle whatever was coming my way. I wasn't planning on posting any real details about my birth experience. But little did I know that it was going to be as dramatic and crazy as it turned out to be.

From the beginning of this pregnancy, I had planned on a natural birth. As natural as could be, using hypnobirthing, maybe a water birth, even thought seriously about doing it at home. I saw midwives instead of doctors. I educated myself on natural birthing techniques. I was deathly afraid of induction and c-sections and the less medical intervention, the better in my opinion. I knew it would be difficult, but it was less scary to me than having a "medical" birth. As the pregnancy progressed, that idea became less of a reality. At first, I had placenta previa, where my placenta covered my cervix. If it didn't move, then I would have to have a c-section. So I waited weeks and weeks hoping and praying it would move enough. At 35 weeks, it had finally moved and I was given the all clear to deliver naturally. Just as I had stopped worried about that, a few weeks later there was concern about me developing preeclamsia. I had had some high blood pressure before, but now they found protien in my urine. If I did have it, then I would have to be induced. So I did some tests, non-stress tests showed they baby was fine and still active, and though my 24-urine test numbers came back a little high, I was still within the normal range. Once again I was given the go ahead to birth naturally. In two weeks when I went in for my appointment on Wednesday, my blood pressure was high again. The midwife wanted to do more tests, which I wasn't happy about. I was really hoping to go into labor on my own so that I wouldn't have to worry about it. I did another 24 hour urine test, more blood work and another non stress test, which showed the baby was fine. I waited to hear back on Friday, all the while hoping I would go into labor. It didn't happen. I waited to hear from them Friday and finally decided to call in at 4:50 because I hadn't heard anything.

My husband came home and we talked about going out to dinner. I was getting ready when I heard back from my midwife, who had been busy all day, but was glad I called. The protein in my urine had jumped several hundred points, and I was showing signs of stress on my kidneys, so she pushed me to come in for an induction as soon as possible. My husband and I decided it was best, eventhough it came out of nowhere, but I knew it was the right thing to do. We were still worried about me ending up having a c-section, but were hoping for the best. I was still going to try and do it without pain medication. So we packed up the car, got ready, my parents were in town, so as I am LDS, I asked my dad for a special blessing before I went, sort of a special prayer to bless me that everything would be alright. I went in feeling good about things, eventhough it wasn't at all what I had planned or wanted.

We got to the hospital and checked in around 7. Around 8:15 they started me on pitocin. I was 80% effaced but only one centimeter dilated. My mom showed up and we talked and watched tv things were good. I was hooked up to monitors and an IV. My blood pressure was high but they weren't too worried about it because it was staying level. The baby was behaving well. I did have some bleeding, but nothing to indicate anything was wrong. I started contracting but nothing too heavy and had more back pain than anything. My midwife came in a while later and we talked about the induction and what to expect and it was very casual. I asked when she could break my water and she said she could do it soon, that it might be more uncomfortable with me only being at a 1, but that it was a good idea to do it. She went to check on her other patient, who was about to deliver, and came back really quickly to break my water. Everything looked good and there was no indication that anything was wrong. So I layed back and eventhough it wasn't comfortable I was doing ok. When she broke my water, there was blood in it and lots of it. I heard her say "this isn't good" and the nurse quickly put in a internal fetal monitor. Baby's heart rate dropped suddenly. My Mom got sick and had to lay down. The midwife told me I had a placental abruption and that my placenta had started to detach. I was worried, but suprisenly calm. I was laying down and couldn't at all see what was going on, but apparently there was a swarm of nurses all around me. The midwife told me that I would have to have an emergency c-section. I knew that it had to be and I trusted those around me to do their jobs. I also knew that no one could have seen this coming and that nothing that was done for my induction made this problem happen. I couldn't see, but could hear the chaos surrounding me. They wheeled me into the operating room. Its hard to describe, but I was very calm. I had total tunnel vision and only could see what was right in front of me. I kept calm by saying a prayer and by focusing on my visualization techniques I had practiced. I visualized holding my baby in our safe place and knew we could get through it and be together soon. With all that was going on around me, the doctors and nurses yelling at each other, me being rolled onto the gurney and given a spinal, I thought only of him. Every once in a while a masked face would enter my field of vision and tell me I was doing well. Within a few seconds of getting the spinal and being rolled on the operating table, arms out to a T, I was numb. My husband was at my head and was holding my hand and I just looked at him in awe of the drama that was unfolding before us. I was numb from the chest down, but could feel them pushing on my ribs to help get him out. There was tugging and a few moments later, hubby heard a little squawk and said "Is that the baby?" I heard the baby cry and I cannot express the utter joy I felt. I didn't feel at all cheated out of an experience I thought I wanted, it was my true birth moment, it was as if I pushed him out myself. Eventhough I couldn't hold him or see him, I could hear him. He was finally here and it was the most beautiful moment in my life. They let hubby go see him and he took pictures. Baby was doing alright, but had lost a lot of blood and had to be taken quickly to go get a transfusion. I saw him for about 30 seconds before they whisked him away. He also had to be given some oxygen. I knew that he would be alright though. I stayed in the operating room, while hubby went to be with him.

I was in there for a while while they stitched me up, my arms were still out and I wanted to move them but they were twitching from the sudden flood of fluid and medication. I knew that it didn't matter how he got here, he was here and that was all that mattered. I also knew that if everything didn't happen the way that it did that something really bad could have happened. What if I didn't call for my test results and didn't know to go in to the hospital? What if I waited to ask to have my water broken? What if the other mom the midwife was working with delivered at the moment I needed it done to see so we could know that was happening and get him out sooner? What if my water broke and I wasn't at the hospital at all? I mean, I was hardly into labor when my placenta detached and no one could have known that was happening until the midwife broke my water. Its scary to think what could have happened. But everything that needed to happen to get him here safely did and I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who watched over me and my child.

So that's my story. The hardest part was not being able to see him right away. I didn't get to hold him until the next afternoon and he had to be in the NICU for 48 hours on antibiotics. When I got cleared to eat solid food again, I was able to have the strength to get up and move and trot down to the NICU every few hours on my then huge hippo feet (swelling caused by the surgery) to feed him. It was good to recover in the hospital but I was ready to take him home after a few days.

We got home on Tuesday afternoon together, finally a family. Together with little Calvin. It was the best Valentine's Day ever. Everything that has happened to me in, the fertility treatments, the depression, the anxiety, the hurt and pain, the moments where I just didn't know if I could do it anymore, the drama of his birth, it was all worth it. Molly is a mama.

Sweet lil' Calvin, welcome to the world.