Infertility Insanity

Okay, so I haven't written in a few days. I've been a little unmotivated recently. I think going off progesterone has caused me to have more headaches because I've had migraines this past week. I know I can't take yet though, because I need to figure out a new dosage or different way to take it. To do that I want to see how my body performs without it. And I have to wait until a certain cycle day to be tested which is over 2 weeks from now. I know that I wasn't taking the right amount because before I started taking it I would have headaches and bad anxiety and depression. Then when I started, that got better. For the past few months those symptoms have been slowly coming back. And taking more didn't really help. So I'm trying to get that figured out. And it may be due to me not taking my supplements on a regular basis anymore. I need to get back on track with that, because those help alot. I was taking about 20 pills a day of different medications/supplements. Now I can get by with a basic 4, but should really be taking 10. In case you are interested this is what I need to take: thyroid medication, prenatals (good all around multi), iodine supplement (for thyroid),Vitamin D (for depression), Vitamin B (I have to take alot for my body to absorb, like 10 times the regular dosage), Salmon Oil (helps with depression), a special blend for Stress, Magnesium, a Pro-biotic, and L-Triptophan (prescribed for depression). The ones I have been taking lately are just thyroid meds, vitamin D, iodine, and prenatals. And I haven't been doing it everyday either. No wonder I don't feel my best.

My anxiety was kickin' this weekend. I was fine until Sunday, when I woke up with a migraine and a nauseous stomach. I only went to part of church, and starting crying in the middle of it. I get emotional a random times, I've gotten better at controlling it, but yesterday at church was a challenge. Even though I wasn't feeling well, I still felt guilty for leaving and not teaching my nursery class. I went home and slept, and the rest of the day was better, but I still had that upset stomach. My anxiety usually goes right to the stomach. Hubby helped me to relax and feel better, but last night I couldn't sleep and I kept thinking about something totally unrelated to anything I felt this week. I guess my mind just wanted something else to focus on. I don't know where this anxiety is really coming from. Maybe it's the progesterone or lack of supplements, maybe it's because I went to my sister's baby shower on Saturday and my mind doesn't want to deal with that, it's probably all of the above. I'm hoping to do better this week. Today I have to call the doctors office to see if they've got hubby's semen analysis results in yet, oh yeah, that's another thing that might be contributing. I better go play Dance Central right now, I'm in need of a mood boost. Hope everyone is having a good day!

Sigh!

Well, things went good at the hospital today, better than last time at least. So am I happy about that.

Last night, I went to Walmart and picked up some things for my sister's baby shower this weekend. I went to check out and it was pretty slow so I went to one line where a cashier from the next line over was cooing to a baby in that line. I walked up and she was like " Oh, I can help you over one this other line!". So as I was checking out she starts going on on how cute the baby was, ect. She saw the baby stuff I was buying and said " Oh, how old is yours?". I had to reply " Oh, I don't have one". I've gotten pretty good at saying those things casual, but inside my heart breaks a little. Its not nice to have to say that when you would love to be able to talk about your baby. But you don't have one. So you are reminded again. Oh, well, and its not like I hold anything against her, she didn't know. And that is totally fine.

But its like you don't belong to the club that everyone else is in with ease. Since I am still relatively new to my neighborhood, I am still meeting new people. There are lots of young moms around my age and I would like to be able to talk to them, but it seems like since their lives center around their kids, I don't have anything to talk to them about. I've tried, but once it comes to the "Do you have any kids?" or even worse the "How old are your kids?" questions, I have to be like "I don't have any."Most people are pretty cool, but them sometimes you get the most dreaded response, "Oh." then silence. I am really glad I have found some friends out here to talk to and are really nice. But I've gotten those responses too that are like "you don't have kids? what do I talk to you about then?". I know that they don't mean to reject me, but it feels like that sometimes. Anyway, I know thats not how it really is(I hope not!), I am aware of that, it's just sometimes its hard not to be sensitive.

Anyway, I'm not opposed to hearing about people's children. I like it because it gives me a concept on how people actually raise their kids, which is a skill that I'm going to need someday. I am really grateful to have good examples of Mothers and I just want to say "You Rock!" to all the mothers I know out there. Oh, and a special shout out to my friends Johnny and Trish who brought home their adopted baby girl this week! I love hearing good news from people who have struggled with infertility as well. It gives me hope and I get excited to hear it!

Awkward!

I was a little depressed last night, but I did yoga today and I'm feeling better. Its been a few months since I've done yoga, and I didn't realize how much I missed it. It can be hard, but I love that you get to relax and meditate at the end. Its totally worth it. Anyway, just a small update- we get to go in to do the semen analysis tomorrow! No, not really exiting, actually very, very awkward. Its not fun. But I am really looking forward to getting the results. We will see if my hubby's surgery

last June did any good. I'm nervous though! Wish me luck!

Oh, and don't be shy to comment on my posts! I love comments!

Top 10

Okay, time to get real. I'm planning some big revelations this week about how I really feel and have felt in the past. Hope I don't offend. Just trying to be honest here, which is hard for me because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm always afraid that I will, so I hide things. But I do get angry and can really be mean. I am really nice and quiet for the most part and most people can't imagine that I can be really mean and nasty, but I have had some serious blowups before. Probably because I let everything build up, I can admit that. If you ever have a confrontation with me and I get really mean, just know that I feel instantly guilty and will end up leaving the room and crying about it. Anyway I going to start of with some top 10 lists, in no particular order.

The Top 10 Reasons why Infertility Sucks

1. It seems like everyone gets pregnant except you.

2. Sex leads to pregnancy? Really? I'm thinking: is there is some mystical vodoo rain dance I have to perform to get pregnant? because there is no way sex can do that!

3. Hearing the lame joke "well, it will be good birth control for you!" when other people's kids are acting up and they find out you don't have any kids yourself (I hear this alot being in nursery) First, its kinda like you're dissing your own child. Secondly, yes, I know you are not aware we have problems but I really want to reply "Actually, we're infertile, but thanks for bringing that up!"( I really should, but again, don't like hurting people's feelings). Third, it's a lame joke, really.

4. Hearing pregnant women complain about being pregnant, especially when they know you have problems. Must. restrain. from. strangling. you!

5.Seeing a negative pregnancy test month after month. Dealing with the immediate let down. Even when you tell yourself not to expect anything and no matter how much you are used to it, it is always depressing.

6. Knowing that people feel pity for you. And on that note, not telling us that you are pregnant because it might hurt our feelings. We will find out eventually, and it hurts more that you were not upfront with us. Yeah, we might be upset at first, but we will get over it, we're adults for goodness sake. Don't take it personal if we are a little mean. It's the situation that is frustrating, not you personally.

7. Also, Don't be afraid to ask us about how things are going. If we don't want to talk about it, we won't. Let that go. Its still nice to know that you care and if we are feeling open we will share.

8. Does anyone actually want to go to the doctor, endure treatments, do anything medically unless they have to? No, because it sucks no matter what you are dealing with.

9. If your hormones are not messed up on their own, they are being messed with. You try living with PMS all the time.

10. Living with the fact that no matter how much you want something, the odds are that you can't. You are failing all the time. You don't feel like a woman because you naturally can't do what is natural for other women to do. And it is really hard to understand why.

And since I am trying daily to be positive I want to end up with things on a positive note, because life is still good! I don't ever want to let something destroy who I am.

Top 10 Things I am Grateful For:

1. My home and the ability to take care of it.

2. Eventhough I live in Suburbia, I get a nice view looking out the back of my house. This was the view one evening last week. Lovely.

3. For a husband that works hard and loves me. That I can stay at home if and we can afford it.

4. For cute nephews and nieces. You bring joy to my heart. My sister is pregnant a due next month and I like that she lets me touch her belly and feel the baby kicking and moving. Can't wait to meet another cute niece!

5. That my husband worked out a carpooling schedule with his co-worker. We sold one of our cars in September and I have pretty much gone without one, leaving me at home by myself all day. Doesn't really help with having depression. But now I get to have the car on a more regular basis, yeah!

6. Good friends who are silly and let me be silly too.

7. Dance Central. I love that game!

8. Having my parents live closer. They lived in South America for 13 years and its still amazing to me that I can call them anytime I want. I love it!

9. That I was able to loose 15 pounds last summer and fall and have been able to keep it off. I feel better and love having healthy habits.

10. That I have a spiritual side and an outlet for it. Not just church, but feeling connected and knowing that things will get better. Knowing that I can change and grow.

Stress and Sweetness (teaching my nursery class)

I really enjoy Sundays. It is really nice to be able to go to church. My husband an I teach nursery, which is 2 hours of taking care of 2 and 3 year olds, teaching them a lesson, singing time and lots of playing. It was really hard to deal with being around all those kids at first. I really was like "Why did they ask me to do this? I don't want to be reminded that I don't have any children!". At first it was really depressing, and I had a hard time handling it. Now there are a lot of things I love about it. I love playing with them and teaching them and comforting them when they are sad. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely those stressful moments. If a child is screaming for their parents or unhappy I get flustered. And I feel really guilty if I can't comfort them or help them feel better. And I feel guilty if it annoys me too, because I'm the adult and suppose to be able to deal with it. It makes me feel like I won't be a good Mom because inside I want to tell them to shut it! But I access the positive part of me and do my best to help distract them and get them to play. I am really grateful to have my husband there because he doesn't have a problem with taking them out to find their parents. I feel really embarrassed taking them out because I feel like I failed them in some way or it is like saying " I can't handle your kid!" I guess thats good training to become a parent is dealing with those type of feelings, am I right? But for the most part, its good. The kids in my class are so funny. I like to encourage them to be silly because I really want them to have fun in the class so that they want to be there. Last week we made a "train" with the chairs and they got on it and I took them on a trip to the North Pole. It was one of the kid's idea to make a train so I went with it! It is also really good to get them to respond to the lesson. They only have about a 3 minute attention span when it comes to that, but I try my best to keep them engaged. I don't expect much, but I still try. Its funny because usually I get nervous to be in nursery, but I end up having a good time, even with dealing with the crying and fighting between the kids sometimes. Anyways, I am really glad that I am able to get through it week after week. Its amazing how you can feel love for them and feel like they start to love you too. One of the little boys got hurt today, so I held him on my lap and he stayed for a while even after he felt better. It was very sweet. Anyway, life is good. I know I have some hard times ahead and some big decisions to make, but I am really grateful for the little sweet moments in my life.

In search of facts

So tired...I've thrown myself into some home projects for the past 2 days. I re-did all the pillows in my front room (8 total). When I made them before I did it really quick, just basically using glue and safety pins. So I finally redesigned them and actually got out the sewing machine. This of course caused and big mess, which lead me to reorganize all of my craft stuff tonight. We're talking serious reorganization- the label maker was involved. And I've had a headache all day. I must have inherited some of my mother's ability to continue moving and working even when you don't feel that great. I say that she's like a shark, if she quits moving, she'll die... because she spends all day being busy. I'm not all the way like that, but it does help distract you from pain when you are busy working on something. Anyway, I'm sort of rambling.

I've been reading up on infertility facts around the internet, but have been reluctant to post anything because some things don't match up exactly from different sources. For example, some sites say that 1 in 6 couples in the U.S. experience fertility problems, some say 1 in 7, one said 1 in 10. And its seem like they either go with the on third view ( one third attributed to female problems, one third to male, one third for both) or the 40%,40%,20% view. So I really wonder where they get these numbers anyway. I studied a little bit of statistics in college and did a student survey project so I am more interested in looking at the actual data and methods of study.

Then my cool cousin Amy send me a link to a report about Assisted Reproductive Technology. Its about the success rates of AST at U.S. fertility clinics and other great info as well. I've haven't read much of it yet but its seems really interesting. Here's the link if anyone wants to find out more about some techniques that are used and the success rates of those techniques:

http://www.cdc.gov/art/ART2007/

Well, good night. Time for me to get some rest. I've got a brutally honest post coming soon I will entitled "The Ugly Truth", so keep reading. I've got some good ideas about other posts too. Love you!

Burden Lifted

Whew! So glad to get my doctors appointment over with. It went good! I still got nervous and sick and shaky, but it wasn't too bad. Not as intense as it has been before, anyway. My doctor was a really nice older man, and he was very kind so it put me more at ease. Anyway, so here is what I am going to do. I'm going to go off my progesterone and then get tested(blood drawn) in my next cycle to check my levels and see if I am ovulating (I'm not sure if I always do). Also getting Seth a semen analysis done and sent to my doctor next week (here's hoping they've learned how to swim). If my progesterone is still low than I will try a different type. I am actually quite curious to see how my body does by itself. I've been on progesterone for almost 2 years now, and its been a while since I've checked it, so I'm hoping my body has adjusted enough so that I won't have to take it again, but we will see. I'm willing to try it at least. I've waited so long that a few more months of figuring things out is not really going to bother me. So if things are good with both of us, the doctor didn't think that it would be too hard to get pregnant. If it doesn't look like I'm ovulating than he said I could go on a fertility med like Clomid (basically tricks you body into ovulating) if we felt ok about that. If after a little while it doesn't work, then he said I will have more tests done, an ultrasound and such.

I am feeling really good and I think that we will have it figured out in a few months. I'm really excited! I have to wait about a month before I can get my blood drawn to check my levels (you have to get it done on a certain day in you cycle). It will be okay, I'm getting pretty good at this waiting game. It been a pretty long road, but I think things have happened in the right timing, even though its been frustrating. I, of course, don't want to wait forever, but I really feel like we are going in a good direction!