A Little Personal History

So now that I've confessed, I think it appropriate to give a little more background on my situation. Every case of infertility is different. There is no one way to get pregnant when you are infertile (no one would really have a problem if there were). Every woman, every couple seems to face a unique problem. There are even those who have "unexplained infertility" as in, they get tested and are completely healthy with no indicators of why they can conceive. I am so glad that is not the case with me. I don't know entirely what my trouble is, but I do know some things about it. So here is a little of what I have been through so far.

In July 2008, my husband and I started trying to have children officially. It was marked by our 2nd wedding anniversary. He was pretty confident he would knock me up first try. Oh, to be that naive again!

In January 2009, I was not doing that well. Ok, the truth is, I was a complete mess. I was dealing with a very stressful situation at my job, and my body was in absolute distress. I couldn't sleep, I was so anxious that I felt I was on the verge of a panic attack all day long. It never let up, I felt I could snap at any moment. This of course feed into my depression. I've been dealing with depression for most of my life. I go through my moments of severe depression. This was one of the times I just wanted to curl up in a ball and never leave my room. But I couldn't relax because of the anxiety and felt as if I stopped moving, the whole world would collapse in on me. Plus the fact that it had been 6 months of trying with no hint of success. I went without having a period for almost 60 days. I've always been pretty regular so that was not normal at all. I took multiple pregnancy tests and no positive ones. During this time, my Mom and Dad were staying in Park City for a ski vacation and I stayed with them for a few days up there. Even on vacation I could not unwind. I went skiing and ended up going down a steep part of the hill I was not ready for. Somehow I did a jump and my knee ended up hitting me right in the head. Now I knew what it was like to be punched in the face! I came completely undone, and walked the rest of the way down, skis on my shoulder, crying my eyes out. Now, usually I would be able to walk to a less steep part and ski the rest of the way down. I could not do it. Now, you might think, what does this have to do your infertility? Well, my emotional stress, culminating in my little accident on the ski hill, is what lead me to pursue some type of medical intervention for the first time. Know this about me: I don't go to the doctor unless I absolutely have to. I'll post later explaining more about that. Anyway, So I got back to my parent's condo and got really, really sick. I probably had a slight concussion now that I think of it. I was throwing up for the rest of the evening. My Mom was taking care of me, she asked if I could be pregnant. I told her what was going on, that I didn't think so. She went out and got me a test. It was negative of course. But I was able to talk to my Mom about things and she strongly recommended I see her Doctor, one that specializes in hormone therapy.

So in early February 2009, First, I quit my job. I figured that if it was causing this much stress that I could barely make it through the day, even when I wasn't at work, it would only be counterproductive to my fertility. Then I went to Dr. Kipp at the Utah Valley Wellness Center. She is great, by the way. If you have any type of hormone problem, she is who you want to see. I got some blood work done, the first time I ever got my blood drawn in my life! The results came back. My thyroid was under productive, my cortisol levels were through the roof. That explained the anxiety and not being able to sleep. Also, I found out my progesterone was too low. Not even low, practically non-existent. You see, a normal number for progesterone is around 16. Mine was .2, not even 1. So she put me on a thyroid medication and progesterone, and a multitude of supplements.

In the months that followed, I got much better. I still had some anxiety and depression, but not nearly to the extent that it was at before. I really thought that it was going to work. But the months started piling up, with no conception. I tested every month, I still do. You see, I have to keep my progesterone level up. If it is not high enough, I will miscarry. My body will not allow me to keep it. So I tested to make sure I would be able to have enough progesterone to carry a baby. I was really paranoid. I did things like stop using toothpaste with fluoride, because fluoride can mess with thyroid functioning, and if that happened, it could throw my hormones off balance. There were lots of other things too, that I still do today (like I can't eat raw cabbage, broccoli or cauliflower, another thyroid thing). I though by doing those things I would be safe. But even that didn't protect me from what was going to happen next.

In August 2009, I had a miscarriage. It was a really early one, one that could have easily gone unnoticed. I have told very few people about this. I even kept it a secret from my husband for four months. I can't explain how devastating it is. I never got to have a belly or really feel it grow, but it still hurt so much. I was pregnant one day and not pregnant the next. It was a simple as that. And I blamed myself because I had gone away with my husband for a weekend and ended up running out of my progesterone, because I forgot to refill it before we left. I went one day without it and got it as soon as I got back. I felt so stupid, all those careful months and the one time I make a mistake, I end up miscarrying! I'll aways wonder if I would have had a child by now if I hadn't missed that one day. But a few months later something happened that eased my guilt a little. I still live with part of it, though. Blaming yourself is a big part of what you feel from being infertile.

So months went on, I knew something else was wrong. Nothing was happening! I tried to talk to my husband who just told me not to worry about it, and that it would happen when it was supposed to. I think he was trying to comfort me, but it had the opposite effect. I told him he really needed to think about if he wanted children. I knew that there had to be something else wrong, and that it might be years until we had children. Did he really want to wait years? This was in March 2010, more than a year and half since we started trying, so you could understand my anxiousness.

In May 2010, my husband had his sperm checked. It was an awful experience for me, one I do not want to relive. I was on edge, did I want something to be wrong with him or not? On one hand, this would be a relief to know it wan't all me. On the other hand, this would make it all the more complicated. Well, the results came in: underdeveloped, not good swimmers(no real mobility). I was so relieved! It wasn't only me! You would think that you wouldn't be happy about it, but I was. Not giddy, but it was a huge burden lifted off me. And I could have miscarried because there was something really wrong with the pregnancy if his sperm were not good. Anyway, his doctor though he might have a varicocele.(His Doctor, by the way, totally looks like the Dude from the Big Lebowski).What a varicocele is, is that the blood is not properly cycling back to the heart and ends up pooling in the testes, making them to hot, and we all know that that is not good for sperm. So he ended up getting an ultrasound to make sure (a really uncomfortable situation for him). The results came back : varicocele for sure. The good news was that he could get surgery to correct it. I was happy, but worried about him going through that.

So in the end of June 2010, my husband got the surgery. He spent a week at home recovering.

Now in the present time, I still not pregnant, so now its time to pursue other options. My hubby still needs to get his sperm checked, I've been bothering him a little about it, but I think I need to up the ante on that one. I can only say that it is hard on him too, but he deals with it differently.

So, I have a doctors appointment next week. Nothing big, just seeing the ol' OB/GYN. I have avoided this for long enough. But I'm excited to see where this leads.

Well, I hope you got an idea of what my life has been like the past 2 1/2 years. I thought it would be good to get it all out. It came out to be longer than I thought, but I'm glad I did it. Its time to move on. I'll keep you posted!