Ah, another Monday, another laundry day. One of the perks of being at home and not working is getting to do all the household chores! Ok, I really don't get excited about cleaning (who does?), but I do love a clean house. And I am grateful that I don't have to work. I get bored sometimes, its not as easy as you would think, but I am grateful that I have a husband that can support us and we have all the things that we need. My husband in a wonderful man, but by no means perfect. During this whole battle there have been plenty of times when I just don't get him. I wanted him to understand so badly what I was going through, but he never would bring up are problems or show that much of an interest in it. That is really frustrating! So I started researching about the male perspective on infertility because I needed to understand what he was feeling, even if he wasn't sharing it with me. I've including some links at the end to some articles I found helpful.
What I found out was that it is really hard of men, they do have some of the same feelings women do. Loss of control, identity problems, grief, ect. But they have the added task of being the protector and provide for their wives and also the social pressure to not show emotion, ever. In our case, my husband was always trying to comfort me, but he would say things like "don't worry" or "it will work out". It didn't comfort me though, because I felt like he was dismissing my feelings even though he was trying to protect me. This quote from link number 2 sums it up pretty well :"The man, in an attempt to defend his wife may think, “I don’t want you to hurt anymore”, which might lead him to react in ways that make the wife feel he isn't as interested in having children as she is interested."
You really start to feel like they don't care because they don't ever want to talk about it. But talking about it is the best thing that you can do for them. Here is a quote from link number 1 explaining why:" We know infertility is dreary and dark. We know emotional clouds will hang over us frequently, even daily. Yet, when we’re with other male friends, even for extended periods of time, a facade is assumed, and we maintain an outlook that appears sunny and bright, as if infertility were no trouble at all. We behave as if there’s no sign of rain in the extended forecast. Sure, a small shower might be mentioned every now and then with certain close friends, but on the whole, we act like the weather is fine".
While women can feel safe discussing their emotions with their friends, men don't have the same opportunity to do so with their friends. Thats why it is important for their wives to create that safe place for them and help them give voice to their feelings. It is really important for women to share their feelings with their spouse. I didn't talk to my husband for a long time because I didn't think he cared because he acted like it didn't affect him at all. I know now that that is not the case at all. So I have been able to be more open with him, and talk about things. It is better because I don't feel so alone, even if he doesn't really talk that much about it, just getting him to admit it was hard for him too was enough for me. And I know that I can come to him now and he will comfort me. Anyway, I think these links have some very good information regarding the male perspective. They helped me to understand my husband more. I love him so much and am glad to have a supportive partner.
You are awesome, Molly! Instead of being angry at him you opened your eyes to his perspective! That's what every woman needs to do in every situation when dealing with a man (even though it may be hard). Thanks for these links. I have a friend who is dealing with infertility and I wonder if she feels the same way. If so, I have material for her to read! :D
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