Last night, I went to Walmart and picked up some things for my sister's baby shower this weekend. I went to check out and it was pretty slow so I went to one line where a cashier from the next line over was cooing to a baby in that line. I walked up and she was like " Oh, I can help you over one this other line!". So as I was checking out she starts going on on how cute the baby was, ect. She saw the baby stuff I was buying and said " Oh, how old is yours?". I had to reply " Oh, I don't have one". I've gotten pretty good at saying those things casual, but inside my heart breaks a little. Its not nice to have to say that when you would love to be able to talk about your baby. But you don't have one. So you are reminded again. Oh, well, and its not like I hold anything against her, she didn't know. And that is totally fine.
But its like you don't belong to the club that everyone else is in with ease. Since I am still relatively new to my neighborhood, I am still meeting new people. There are lots of young moms around my age and I would like to be able to talk to them, but it seems like since their lives center around their kids, I don't have anything to talk to them about. I've tried, but once it comes to the "Do you have any kids?" or even worse the "How old are your kids?" questions, I have to be like "I don't have any."Most people are pretty cool, but them sometimes you get the most dreaded response, "Oh." then silence. I am really glad I have found some friends out here to talk to and are really nice. But I've gotten those responses too that are like "you don't have kids? what do I talk to you about then?". I know that they don't mean to reject me, but it feels like that sometimes. Anyway, I know thats not how it really is(I hope not!), I am aware of that, it's just sometimes its hard not to be sensitive.
Anyway, I'm not opposed to hearing about people's children. I like it because it gives me a concept on how people actually raise their kids, which is a skill that I'm going to need someday. I am really grateful to have good examples of Mothers and I just want to say "You Rock!" to all the mothers I know out there. Oh, and a special shout out to my friends Johnny and Trish who brought home their adopted baby girl this week! I love hearing good news from people who have struggled with infertility as well. It gives me hope and I get excited to hear it!
When we were first married in Rexburg that's how I felt about all the new moms in our ward. It was like since I didn't have kids, I was immediately not accepted into their cool club. And therefore never invited to hang out with them, etc etc. I made me so mad all the time. And I actually hated hearing about their stupid kids and their stupid labors and deliveries. My thinking at the time was, "why the hell can't you talk about something else, how pathetic." Now of course I'm guilty of talking about my kids too much, so in public I try to keep it to a minimum unless prompted. It is really easy to be insensitive to people around you in situations like that.
ReplyDeleteJust out of curiosity, if I ever ask someone if they have kids and they answer no, and it gets awkward, what is a good way to respond? I don't want to be all in their business or anything unless they are good with sharing. Should I just move on to other topics, like what do you like to do, that sort of thing.
Yeah Trina, moving onto other topic is great! What do you like to do is good, what are your interests, and other things like that. If the person is comfortable in sharing with you about why they don't have kids, they probably will. Cause really you don't know their situation if you just met them. They might have problems or they just might not be ready to have kids yet. And I'm not against hearing about other people's kids either, I just don't like the feeling that I am immediately blacklisted or something from other conversation.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I just think that there is a lot of things to talk about in life. I understand that so much of a young mom's life is about her children. But I also think it is great to get to know someone as a whole person. I knew this girl in my old neighborhood who was really nice, but when I asked her what sort of things she liked to do and was interested in she replied "oh, I'm just a Mom." That always bothered me. Uh, first of all being a Mom is super important and awesome. And second, you're also a woman and allowed to have other interests! What makes you unique also makes you a good Mom. Anyway, I don't think its good to limit yourself to being just one thing. And if you're a Mom, say it proud! It is the hardest and best thing you can do in life so embrace it and embrace that you are a interesting person. Anyway, I think it is great when you really get to know a person and when people really want to get to know you.