Top 10

Okay, time to get real. I'm planning some big revelations this week about how I really feel and have felt in the past. Hope I don't offend. Just trying to be honest here, which is hard for me because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm always afraid that I will, so I hide things. But I do get angry and can really be mean. I am really nice and quiet for the most part and most people can't imagine that I can be really mean and nasty, but I have had some serious blowups before. Probably because I let everything build up, I can admit that. If you ever have a confrontation with me and I get really mean, just know that I feel instantly guilty and will end up leaving the room and crying about it. Anyway I going to start of with some top 10 lists, in no particular order.

The Top 10 Reasons why Infertility Sucks

1. It seems like everyone gets pregnant except you.

2. Sex leads to pregnancy? Really? I'm thinking: is there is some mystical vodoo rain dance I have to perform to get pregnant? because there is no way sex can do that!

3. Hearing the lame joke "well, it will be good birth control for you!" when other people's kids are acting up and they find out you don't have any kids yourself (I hear this alot being in nursery) First, its kinda like you're dissing your own child. Secondly, yes, I know you are not aware we have problems but I really want to reply "Actually, we're infertile, but thanks for bringing that up!"( I really should, but again, don't like hurting people's feelings). Third, it's a lame joke, really.

4. Hearing pregnant women complain about being pregnant, especially when they know you have problems. Must. restrain. from. strangling. you!

5.Seeing a negative pregnancy test month after month. Dealing with the immediate let down. Even when you tell yourself not to expect anything and no matter how much you are used to it, it is always depressing.

6. Knowing that people feel pity for you. And on that note, not telling us that you are pregnant because it might hurt our feelings. We will find out eventually, and it hurts more that you were not upfront with us. Yeah, we might be upset at first, but we will get over it, we're adults for goodness sake. Don't take it personal if we are a little mean. It's the situation that is frustrating, not you personally.

7. Also, Don't be afraid to ask us about how things are going. If we don't want to talk about it, we won't. Let that go. Its still nice to know that you care and if we are feeling open we will share.

8. Does anyone actually want to go to the doctor, endure treatments, do anything medically unless they have to? No, because it sucks no matter what you are dealing with.

9. If your hormones are not messed up on their own, they are being messed with. You try living with PMS all the time.

10. Living with the fact that no matter how much you want something, the odds are that you can't. You are failing all the time. You don't feel like a woman because you naturally can't do what is natural for other women to do. And it is really hard to understand why.

And since I am trying daily to be positive I want to end up with things on a positive note, because life is still good! I don't ever want to let something destroy who I am.

Top 10 Things I am Grateful For:

1. My home and the ability to take care of it.

2. Eventhough I live in Suburbia, I get a nice view looking out the back of my house. This was the view one evening last week. Lovely.

3. For a husband that works hard and loves me. That I can stay at home if and we can afford it.

4. For cute nephews and nieces. You bring joy to my heart. My sister is pregnant a due next month and I like that she lets me touch her belly and feel the baby kicking and moving. Can't wait to meet another cute niece!

5. That my husband worked out a carpooling schedule with his co-worker. We sold one of our cars in September and I have pretty much gone without one, leaving me at home by myself all day. Doesn't really help with having depression. But now I get to have the car on a more regular basis, yeah!

6. Good friends who are silly and let me be silly too.

7. Dance Central. I love that game!

8. Having my parents live closer. They lived in South America for 13 years and its still amazing to me that I can call them anytime I want. I love it!

9. That I was able to loose 15 pounds last summer and fall and have been able to keep it off. I feel better and love having healthy habits.

10. That I have a spiritual side and an outlet for it. Not just church, but feeling connected and knowing that things will get better. Knowing that I can change and grow.