Pregnancy Testing, the ancient way

I'm doing a lot better. The past few day I've haven't been as nervous and have kept pretty busy. I still have my moments of anxiety, but thankfully I've been around a lot of people and that has kept my mind off of things. I went and saw the new Pirates movie on Saturday and hung out with friends. On Monday I spent the day with hubby and we went to visit some grave sites, then went to Ogden and played mini golf, he tried out the Flowrider (an artificial wave you can surf and boogie-board on), had dinner and just spent time together. So that was really fun! Yesterday I hung out with my sister and did some gardening and today I'm going to go to her house and help her plant things in her garden. So far, so good. Wow, I can't believe I go into the doctor tomorrow! Crazy. It kinda got me thinking about the history of pregnancy tests. I read something about it on the internet a couple months ago, but couldn't remember where I found it before. So I looked up some articles this morning and I like this one: http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art44462.asp . It's got some humor in it, which I like. So I guess if I want to find out, I can do like the Egyptians did: first pee on some barley and wheat seeds, if the barley grows, it's a boy, if the wheat does, its a girl, if nothing grows, not pregnant. They actually did a study in the 60's to see if this was at all accurate and it predicted with 70% accuracy. Interesting stuff. Anyway, wish me luck for tomorrow! Whatever happens, I know I've done my best. I was feeling really down on myself last week, thinking that I was doing horrible at everything in my life, and wasn't doing as good as I could. But then a comforting thought came into my mind "you are doing what you can right now. you are doing the best that you can with your circumstances. don't give up" I am so grateful for that. I know that I'm not perfect, but right now I'm doing all that I can do.

Oh, here's a pic of my new shoes! I think they're cute!

If I was a nail biter, my fingers would be bleeding by now.

So I have been trying really hard not to be anxious, trying to take it easy, but its been an awful struggle. And it's making me be in a really bad mood even though I don't want to be. My patience has been wearing pretty thin. But only one more week until the test at the doctors. I don't know what to think though. If it's good news I want to find out right now, if its bad news I don't want to know. I could probably take an at home test a few days before my appointment, but I think that I'll be too anxious to really trust any results I get at home anyway, so it might be best to just wait 'till I go to the doctor anyway. I don't want to jinx it or anything.

So I've been going a little crazy. I thought it would be good to get out of the house today so I went to the temple. It was closed, though, sad! So then I just sat on the grounds for a while and did a little meditation which felt great. After that I went and met my brothers for lunch which was fun. I was going to head home when I saw the new shoe store that just opened up and thought "oh, what the hey, I'll might as well go look". I thought it would be nice to get a new pair of church shoes, since it's been a while. That was a mistake. I tried on too many and before I knew what was happening, I was walking out with two new pairs. I justified it and told myself I deserved it, but now I'm feeling guilty about spending the money. Especially when I got home and found a bill for the doctor's office in the mail. Crap. That's not helping my anxiety! But in my defense they are really, really cute shoes. Oh, well, hope hubby isn't to mad about it. I would return them but they have a store credit only policy. Anyway, I might need to go meditate some more, or do something to distract myself. Wish me luck!

IUI? Check!

So everything when well yesterday! I was getting nervous the night before, but I felt pretty good all day yesterday before I went in. My sister in law, A. (the one who is recently pregnant) came to visit me in the morning and brought me a little treat. It was so nice an thoughtful! I really appreciated it. My husband came home at lunch and took the rest of the day off to go with me.

So we dropped off the eh-hem, sample at 2:30 and it takes them an hour to "wash" the sperm (get all the good ones out) so we went and met my sister somewhere and came back. She said she would come with me and I wasn't sure if the hubster would be able to take the rest of the day off, so I asked her before to meet me somewhere. I was really glad to have her there, even just sitting in the waiting room, it was nice to know she was there for me. So we went back and I started to get a little nervous, but I've been praying alot to be able to be calm and handle things so it really wasn't that bad. I am so grateful for that. I know Heavenly Father helped me get through it and calm my mind. So they brought me in the room and I changed, and then joked with my husband about the various "instruments of torture" laying around and saying "if I do get pregnant at least you can say you were there for the conception!". A little lame but it certainly helps to joke sometimes. Then I had the procedure done, which was uncomfortable, not entirely painless, but could be worse. It didn't take that long, maybe 5- 10 minutes. Oh, and they said the sample was good so SCORE! So then I rested on the table for a bit and was then given instructions. So I'm going to start taking the progesterone tonight, and it's something you keep on taking if you get pregnant, and stop if you don't. And I have a pregnancy test scheduled in the office for June 2nd. So it's going to be a nerve-racking 2 weeks until then. I am really going to try to keep myself busy during the day and try to relax as much as possible. I still can't believe I just did that! The whole time during the procedure I was thinking "I can't believe I'm actually doing this!" I have high hopes, but am trying to be realistic too. Now at least I know for a fact I can do this. It hasn't been an easy road though, but for the first time in a long time, I feel really excited about it!

It's go time!

So today I went in for my ultrasound, to check everything and see if I had some well developed follicles(think of it as the egg)*. I've been doing the whole ovulation predictors kits at home and haven't gotten a positive yet, so was just thinking it wouldn't be a big deal and I probably wouldn't be ready until later this week for anything else. Well, the doctor checked it out, showed me that I had two big and juicy follicles (plus one smaller one) at the ready and my uterine lining was "optimal". So she looked at me and said "Well, looks like we can do the IUI tomorrow!" An IUI just means Intrauterine Insemination*. They had discussed it with me for my fertility plan before and I wasn't sure about doing it just yet, so I have been thinking about it. My immediate response was woah, this is going really fast, I'm only a fews weeks into this process, it's come to this already?! But then I got really excited and figured, hey lets go for it! So I have an insemination scheduled for tomorrow! Isn't that nuts? Anyway, it was time for me to get my HCG shot so it will release the egg(s) and they actually just gave me the shot in the office since I didn't bring mine. I really didn't know that I would have to, I was pretty much caught off guard with the fact that they think I should do an insemination already. I was glad that someone in the office gave it to me so I didn't have to worry about doing it at home. They just asked me to bring my stuff from home to replace it.

So I go in tomorrow afternoon. This seems to be going so fast. I've been so used to waiting its weird to have someone be like "you're ready...NOW!" Crazy. So everyone, please keep me in your prayers, your good thoughts, whatever! Thanks!

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ovarian_follicle

*http://www.americanpregnancy.org/infertility/iui.html

Horrendous Horrible HSG

I've had a really bad week last week. My anxiety was in overdrive and I was really obsessing and terrified that what I am doing won't work. I'd been taking Clomid and didn't really have any physical side effects, but I think that it was making my anxiety worse because I was having a much harder time controlling my thoughts. I been able to manage my anxiety pretty well, but it's been much more difficult to do that recently. And I was feeling totally neglected by my hubby. Not that he meant to or anything, he's just been really busy working on getting our back yard done that I haven't spent as much time with him. I felt so crazy this past week and really just wanted someone to take care of me and didn't feel like he was really paying attention to me or even cared about what I've been going through. So I was mad at him for a few days, but I think that was because it was easier to sorta put it all on him. So we had a very difficult, but resolving talk on Friday night. Infertility can be so straining on a marriage. Especially when you feel like you want to talk about it and get the stress out and your partner thinks it better to not say anything so that you aren't reminded of it. But really, I think about it constantly so I need to get it out somehow! Anyway, so he's been better at making sure I'm ok lately. Really all I want from him is comfort. I don't even want to talk about it all the time, it's just nice to be held and treated nicely. He took me out for sushi on Saturday night and then we went an bought Portal 2 and played it together and it was really fun! Oh, and it was a nice day, so I got to go work out in my garden which was really satisfying.

So this morning I went and had the HSG done, and hubby came with me. I think that it was really important for him to come and really see that I am going through some hard things. I was really glad he was there because it helped me alot. Ok, so the HSG was awful. First, they explained what they were going to do and I got all sweaty and my vision started going. I was thinking "oh, great, here we go again". It was a good thing I got to lie down for the procedure because I was pretty such I would've fainted if not for that. I was glad it didn't last for long because it hurt . It was more that just a "little cramping". I wanted to cry, but instead I think I just didn't breathe well. Then after it was done, my arms got the pins and needles feeling, and my muscles totally seized up. I couldn't move my hands or fingers at all and it was really painful. The nurse said I hyperventilated and that why I couldn't move them. So they tipped me back on the table and I was getting freaked out, so I did my best to breathe. Hubby massaged my shoulders for me so that really helped and just having him by my side was calming. It took probably 10 minutes for me to recover. But the good news is, they said everything looks good! My uterus looked well and so did my fallopian tubes. The nurse was really nice and she said that having that done can flush out anything that may be in your tubes and that most people have increased fertility for a few months after because of that. Anyway, so I am so happy! I was really worried that they would find something horribly wrong with me.

So for the rest of the day, I am taking it easy. I am just going to have a "rest day". I've got another ultrasound on Wednesday morning and where they will check for ovulation, so there is alot going on this week. I am feeling much better today, having got that done, I'm so glad I don't have to worry about it anymore!

Ups and Downs

I had a really good weekend despite it being Mother's Day, even. I didn't even really think about it, and I wasn't worried about anything. I sometimes have those great days where it seems like my burdens are lifted and it was great. I wasn't really prepared for a downer so soon. I am not having a very good day. Stress is getting to me and I feel apathetic and unenergetic. Maybe it has something to do with yet another one of my sister-in-law's being pregnant? Yep, you heard me right, another one. *bangs head on desk* The funny thing was I wasn't at all upset when she told me, I was pretty excited for her actually. I was really happy that she told me in person, it was very respectful for her to do that, and I really appreciate it. But it's just my luck that that would happen, right? And really, no matter how much I prepare myself for that type of thing, it still stings a little. I wasn't upset at the time, but now I'm feeling sorta down. I would never blame anyone though for the way I feel. It's no one's fault. I feel what I feel, and I can't put blame on anyone innocent, plus there is so many other things that go on in my head, so no one deserves to have to deal with all that crap they don't even know I've been obsessing over. And I know I will get over it. I may not ever get over the longing to have a child, but I can move past the small hurts. And it's kinda good news in a way, because if I do get pregnant soon, my baby will have a cousin their same age! and you all know how important that is to me.

Oh, that's another thing, though, that maybe I haven't mentioned yet. Being infertile, but still actively trying to conceive, you find yourself making plans for you future baby to get yourself excited. You think this is a good idea, saying to yourself " this will keep me going, making plans for the future, at least I'm looking ahead, right?". Then the future comes and you still have no baby, and no identifiable progress. Then you feel like a fool and you feel guilty for letting yourself get excited for something that you feel like you may never have. That is just part of the Highs and Lows you feel. Maybe this term is overused, but it's very fitting :Emotional Roller coaster. That sums it up quite nicely.

So today is a little tough, but I am working on it. I made some progress yesterday, but my anxiety is coming through. With the new fertility plan, I am feeling stressed. Anyway, yesterday I went into the fertility clinic. I needed to come in on my day 3 (of my cycle, day 1 is the first day of your period, btw), which it was, and left a message right when they opened, but they never called me back. I was feeling way too anxious about things, so I finally around 1:00 I just went into the office. I just wanted to get it over with. So I had a blood draw, and it was awful. I've never gotten that sick from it before. Maybe it was because I was already anxious, I don't know. But I got lightheaded, my vision started going (pretty much you start to see only white), my hearing was going (it starts to sound like you are in a tunnel), and my whole body was filled with an uncomfortable tingling sensation. I was really close to passing out. I started to think " how the heck am I going to be able to get through all of this?" It made me feel weak, I didn't like it.

After I recovered (it took about 15 minutes), I had an ultrasound done to check the ovaries again. Looking good. So I've got a plan for the next week, until they tell me what to do next. So this week I am taking Clomid everyday until Friday, I have an HSG* scheduled for Monday, and another ultrasound on Wednesday. Oh, and I have to start using an ovulation prediction test starting on Monday, too.

With all this I am feeling good about continuing on with the plan, but emotionally drained as well. I feeling a little bit like I can't deal with much more right now. Even cleaning the house seems harder. I've been a little freaked out about this, to be honest. I know I am going in the right direction, but man, my anxiety is starting to kick into high gear. I start second guessing myself, and I am even worried about how we are going to manage the cost of everything too. Maybe I just need to go meditate for a while...Breathe, Molly, Breathe...

*http://infertility.about.com/od/infertilitytesting/a/hsg.htm

Running but not running away

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I was very anxious knowing that my medications were going to arrive that day. I knew they would because my fertility clinic goes through Walgreen's specialty pharmacy where they just send medications to your home. Anyway, they called me to tell me when it was shipped and when it would arrive. So anyway, I was really, really anxious to get them. I was worried all day if when my package would come and thinking, did they get my address right? also, those where expensive and I hope so much it didn't get lost!! I kept looking out my window every few minutes, when anyone drove by I would run and look. I was on high alert and high anxiety. Finally at 4:30, they came. It was a relief, but only for a few minutes. Crap. Now I'm going to have to actually use these things.

I opened the package, looked things over, and put them away. Some had to be keep cold, so now I have in my fridge a baggy full of things marked "progesterone suppositories" and "vaginal applicators". Fun times at my house, I tell you. The worst was the syringe, so that is sitting in the back of my pantry behind all my supplements for now. It was pretty intimidating opening up the package. Woah, this is reality. Honestly, I wanted to run out of the house screaming! But I stayed put and popped in the CD-rom of information that came with it. I read up on some basic info, but once I got to the heading entitled " injection training" I was like "nope! not today! can't handle that one quite yet!" Pretty sure I would have fainted if I looked over that one. I will probably have to have hubby look that over. He was really nice when I told him how worried I was, he just looked at me and said " I know you can do this". Aww... So nice that he believes in me, because I really, really need that support. So many times I just feel like running away and not dealing with this anymore. I know that I can't, though. I would never be happy knowing that I didn't do everything that I could, even if it was really hard for me.

Anyway, as far as my other goals are going, umm ok, I've kinda had a hard time getting back into an exercise routine. I've been doing it, but not as much as I want to be and it's been a little sporadic. So today I thought I'd give something new a chance. My stake (the local part of my church, comprised of different "wards") has a free aerobics class on Tuesdays and Thursdays that started a few weeks ago, so I though, hey why not try it? In my mind somehow I pictured a bunch of old lady's skipping around the church gym doing leg lifts or something for half an hour. Oh, man was I wrong! It totally kicked my butt! There where women of all ages there, and there was lots of running, squats, lunges, arm work, ab work, everything! It was a great hour long workout and I think I'm going to make a habit out of it, cause it was awesome! Hard, but such a great workout. Anyway, hope everyone is having a good day!