Looking Forward and Looking Back

So my doctor's appointment when really well. The office had a nice, homey atmosphere inside, decorated nicely with comfy couches, so that put me more at ease than a regular doctor's office. Not quite so scary. First off, I talked to my new doctor in his office. He was really nice and explained a lot off things to me and pretty much said " Yeah, there's definitely something not right, you should have been pregnant by now". But he was really confident that I would get pregnant. Nice things to hear. So then he gave me and ultrasound to check out my ovaries (this involved using a big wand and one not used on the outside, if you catch my drift so, ick) He said everything looked good except I have a tiny cyst on on of them, but that isn't too back (I am so glad it wasn't worse than that). He said that it look like I ovulated, but even then, there still could be problems with my ovulation anyway. So next month I have to come in for some blood tests and to get a procedure when they inject dye into you uterus (ugh, I just got sick typing that!) and give me an x-ray so that they can see the form of my uterus and fallopian tubes and see if there is any problems there. That kinds disgusts me, but it needs to be done. So next month is going to be pretty intense. I going to start the whole fertility drug thing. I'm going to take clomid, and ovulation stimulator, also progesterone, and to top it off, a shot of HCG. But the good news is that my doctor was really confident that I could get pregnant in 2-3 months! Woah, That is insane to me!

Holy crap, I can't believe I'm going to do this. I'm really glad that I am, but I know that I really had to go through what I did to get to this point. If I had done this right from the beginning I don't think that I would have been ready for it. For a person who rarely goes to the doctor and has the phobia that I do, this is way, way intense for me. I don't think I could've handled it back then. So even though its been a hard, painful road, I know it was the one that I need to take.

I am really grateful for everyone who has been an great support to me. A special shout out to my cousin Tabby, who has been pushing me from the beginning. She was always there to motivate me and "offer" her opinions about what I should do, and make me take action when I didn't want to. It's been great because she went through all the fertility things before, so it's been nice to have a friend that's already been down that road and can say " I know how you feel". She is way better at handling doctors than I am, which I admit, am jealous of. I haven't always

appreciated her pushiness, but I am really glad that she has always been there to push me and say "you can do this!". Thanks Tabby for being a part of my success!

I also need to credit my cousin Trina for being an inspiration for me to start this blog! I love you so much and can always count on you to leave supportive and inspiring comments!

To all my new friends- Thank you for believing in me!

Big weekend for babies, weird weekend for me

It was a busy weekend for me again. Sister-in-law #1 gave birth to her new son on Saturday morning and Sister-in-law #2 gave birth to her new son on Sunday morning. Yep, two new babies in the family, one from my side, one from my husband's side. It's kinda cool I suppose, but sometimes I feel like I have no way of fending off these swooping baby attacks. I try not to think about things too much, because sometimes I work myself up into an emotional fervor, but its a little hard to avoid when it's been put right in your face constantly. Anyway, I am sorta happy that they've had their babies, and that part is over, rather that seeing a belly on someone else and know that it's an emotional ticking time bomb for me. I know other people that are pregnant, but it is a lot harder when it comes from within your own family. The thing is, I really am happy that they are having children. I love my nieces and nephews. It just, I kinda grieve over the fact that I've missed out on it, and that when I have a baby, they aren't going to have cousins their same age. I think about that because I grew up with several cousins the same age as me and I loved it! I would really like for my future children to have that, and feel guilty if they don't. I know it's not my fault, but still... Anyway, it's not like there will never be a chance of my kids having cousins their same age, but every family pregnancy feels like a missed opportunity for me to provide that.

Anyway, I got some awesome news today! The fertility clinic that I had an appointment for next month had a cancellation and can get me in this Thursday! Woot Woot! I am so excited! This is going to be the beginning of something great! Wish me luck and pray for me that I won't be overly nervous at the doctors..I'm going to need it!

....and I'm back!

I have been really frustrated the past few days, not knowing what to do. I've been thinking about whether or not I want to continue on the path I've been on or to maybe try something else. Should I go back on progesterone? Will that help? Will that hurt? Is what I'm doing now all that helpful? What do I need to do to increase my chances? Is anything going to help me more or should I just wait and see?

The thing is, I don't know the answers to these questions. I keep thinking that the answer will just come to me, I'll just know, but that is not the case. I realized that I won't know, I can't know, not until I have more information. But to require more information, it means, yet again I have to step into the scary unknown. I was downright terrified of what comes next. I picture it sitting there in the distance clouded in darkness, a blurry, undefinable shape, ready to strike. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face that just yet.

Today I went to the Temple. I went with questions in my mind. I wasn't sure that I would find any exact answers there, but I knew it would give me comfort, give me hope. What would happen? I was nervous. I won't tell you exactly what I experienced in there, but I will tell you I came out feeling confident and strong. I felt as if a burden had been lifted, and I knew that I had the strength to carry on. A smile, a lightness had returned to me. It would be okay. I just needed to keep on searching, keep on moving to find my answers. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I knew I could do it.

Right after I went to the temple, I went directly to my doctors office. I asked them to print out the results of all the labs I had done so that I could have all the information at my fingertips. I also asked them to refer me to a fertility specialist, and they referred me to a fertility center. I know that I need to go see another doctor. I need another opinion, more information, I'm craving more information. So I got home, called them and set up an appointment! I'm excited for it, but they couldn't get me in until next month on the 17th! Wish it could be sooner, cause I feel like I'm back in the game an ready to play! Oh, well. Just knowing that I'm moving on is exciting.

Anyway, feeling good today!

I just don't know anymore....

Well, Things went ok at the doctor's this week, except that whoever took my blood must have been new because it really hurt my arm this time. Like she jammed the thing in really far. I'm not kidding, my arm hurt all day, and usually it doesn't hurt much at all. Icky. Anyway, the results came back good! They said the dosage was working for me, but I could go back to my other medication if I felt it was better. They asked me how I was feeling. Um, better but not my best. I just don't know. It never seems that any medication makes me feel tons better. I mean, I don't get as fatigued and things like that, it just seems like none of the stuff I've taken makes me feel tons better. Just that it takes the edge off, but its not like I feel like a whole new person or anything.

So its good that I've found a dosage that's (seemingly) working...good news, right? It's just...I don't know... I should feel happy about it, but I don't really. Not as much as I think I should. I just don't know if this is all I need to do. Yeah, my thyroid might be getting along ok, but I know that doesn't guarantee anything. I'm just soo used to being disappointed sometimes it seems like nothing will work. And when I felt like I was on the right track in the past, I still didn't get pregnant. So it's kinda hard to even trust when it's good news.

So my thyroid may be working, but I don't know if there is more I need to do. I need to find out more, but what? What's next? I'm so used to not having a definitive answer of " this will be the thing that will help you get pregnant, finally" that it's hard to even know what direction I'm going in.

For now I'm going to stay on medication. I feel like there is something else I need to know, or maybe it's because I don't feel like I can trust anyone when they say that I'm doing good, I don't know, but it always feels like there is always something else, some other challenge to face, some new obstacle down the path to overcome, and it's NEVER GOING TO END. Maybe I feel that way because that's how its always been with this whole infertility thing.

So I'm getting frustrated so right now I'm just going to take a break, then after that plan my next move. Don't know what that is right now, but I will figure it out sooner or later.

I thought weekends were supposed to be fun...

What a weekend! I had some challenges to get through. First on Saturday, was my sister-in-law Jenny's baby shower. Then, on Sunday, my sister had her baby blessed in church. So..yeah..

Anyway, I really wanted Jenny to have a good baby shower, since she's having her third and never had a baby shower before. Plus she's been having a hard time lately, so I tried to be excited for her and help give her a good party. I thought that it would help if I involved myself in it instead of sitting on the sidelines, since it would help me feel more supportive and happy about it. Not that I'm not excited about having a new nephew, it's just with my circumstances, well, you know. So anyway, I spent all of Friday making a really cute cake and lots of treats for the shower. I also spent a lot of time preparing games. On Saturday, I went with my sister to buy decorations and helped Jenny's sister-in-law Trisha set up and prepare for the party at Trisha's house. The party started and I was having a good time until I tried to do the games. Then I got really irritated because people were being really dumb about doing the games. I got this baby themed charades game and they acted like they didn't know how to play. Charades. Seriously. One person asked me " How do we play?" After I had explained. "I was like, Well, it's charades, with baby-themed actions" Blank stare. Really? Then I tried to do this pin-the-bun-on-the-oven game, which I spent an hour making out of really cute scrapbook paper. You know the traditional route of that game, blindfold and spin the person around, and see how close to the object (in this case a pregnant belly) they can get. I went first to demonstrate. But no one wanted to do it, and I asked this older lady and she said "No, I'll get dizzy" Umm, that's sorta the point, you moron! Then we did this fill in the blank nursery rhyme game I printed off the internet. One of the phrases was a little different than normal, and everyone seemed to have a problem with it. When I gave them this answer that I had from the answer key, this one lady would not let it go that she thought it wasn't right. I tried to explain that that was just the answer that came with the game, I wasn't trying to say she wasn't right, I was just saying that's what the game said, but she felt she needed to argue with me over it, when everyone else was thinking that it was just from a different verse of the rhyme. I was this close to yelling " I don't care what you think, its just the answer I have, you stupid old cow!" I realized that I was super irritated because it was really hard for me to be there in the first place, and I had spent all this time preparing and trying to make it a nice party and people were being stupid. The thought was going through my head "I don't have to be here, you know, I didn't have to come and deal with this, I was just trying to make it nice for Jenny" It was a challenge, but I finally got through it. I almost walked out, though. The only thing that helped me, and this sounds weird, was to take my sister's baby girl and walk around with her. I thought it was good because I had a reason to walk around and not have to interact with anyone because I was busy taking care of her. Jenny had a really good time, which I am glad for.

So then on Sunday, I went to my sister's baby blessing. After church we went over to her in-laws for a luncheon which I helped to prepare even though I hadn't planned on it. I took the cake that I made for Jenny's shower to it because no one ate it at her party. I added some pink to it to make it look like it was for my niece, and I got a lot of compliments on how cute it was and how yummy it was so that made me feel better. That wasn't so bad, but still a reminder of my own crappy circumstances.

So anyway, I go in this week to get my thyroid tested again. I hope that things are normal, and the new medication is working, but kinda doubt it since I'm still getting headaches. At least they aren't everyday now. They're starting to go away, but I'm still getting them 2-3 days a week. Some improvement, though. Anyway, wish me luck!

Edit: Pics of cake. It says "Welcome Baby Liam" For my sister's party I took off the bottle shapes, put more dots on and added smaller pink dots on top of the blue ones, but I didn't get a pic of that.

Time keeps on slippin'....

Today is my best friend's birthday, she is nine months younger than me so it's always nice to say to her "Ha! Now you're old like me!". The sad thing is, I really do feel old. Sometimes I look at kids (yes, kids!) in their early 20s and think to myself, that used to be me, young, vibrant, full of energy and interests..now I just feel old, tired, and disinterested. I feel like I've aged a lot more in the past 3 years. I look in the mirror and see dull skin, boring hair, under eye circles, and the beginnings of wrinkles. A chubby tummy and thighs and cellulite, ick. What happened to me?, I say to myself, and then I realize "Ah! You've had the stress of infertility hanging over you!" I'm sure having a thyroid condition isn't doing me any favors, either. Now most people would be like, you're crazy! I try to be carefree, I really do. I start out every month thinking "Its no big deal if you don't get pregnant this month, you're doing the best you can, and it will happen eventually". Then the month ends. Not pregnant, yet again. I'm an entire month older, closer to my next birthday, and I feel like time is slipping away from me. I'm no youthful, fertility goddess, just a woman that doesn't feel like a woman, yet keeps getting older. I'm turning 29 in July. When I first started trying, it was like, oh, well as long as I'm a Mom when I'm 27 that will be great! Then it was 28, 29, and to have a baby before I turn 30, I need to get pregnant by this Fall. Don't know if that's going to happen. I know that it's not a big deal, really, not in the long run, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

Anyway, sorry if this is depressing. But this blog is about honesty so I'm trying to be honest about some of the things I feel sometimes. But you know what? I'm still grateful for my life. I'm grateful I can lace up my running shoes and hear the sound of my feet on the sidewalk, and breath the fresh air. I'm grateful that I have time to do my decorating projects, that I can go out on a date with my hubby on a whim. I'm grateful for good neighbors and friends, and to have love for others. I'm still going to live my life, in fact, I'm determined to.

Flawed yes, giving up no

I help out my brother... A LOT... and people say to me "oh, you're such a good sister" and "Wow! I wouldn't even do that for my own brother" and even " Can't you just tell him no?" I do do a lot for him, more that most people would, and I have said no on occasion. You know what my secret is to looking like the world best sister?(ok, maybe I'm giving myself too much credit now). Three words: Big Stinky Fits. Yes, I am a 28 year old woman that still throws fits. Now much of this has to do with growing up the youngest. I have one little sister that is 13 years younger, so I pretty much was the baby of the family growing up. Which means I get to throw fits around my family. I don't do it around most people, though, thus maintaining my facade of the perfect sister. Here is a sampling of a typical exchange with my brother:

" Molly can you do X for me?"

" What! are you kidding me? I don't want to do that! I've got a life you know!"

"Please? I need help and no one else will do it"

"Seriously? You know, I wonder what it would be like to actually get paid for doing work, since that never happens"

"Please Molly? I'll buy you lunch!"

"Ugh... fine, I'll do it. You don't have to buy me lunch, I'll see you in a little bit"

"Thanks Molly!"

Yep, that's how it goes. See, my brother knows that sometimes I just need to yell, and he know that I'll get over it pretty fast, and I'll help him because I really do want to. And a lot of times my brothers just laugh at my fits because they come out really sarcastic sometimes. It's true, sometimes I just need to throw a little fit, yell a bit, and then I'll get over it. This is something my husband is still figuring out about me. And I think that I can get away with it because my family doesn't take me too seriously. But I know that its a flaw that I need to work on, because as much as I want to, it's a bad habit. I can express my displeasure better to people I'm not close to, and even though those that I'm close to know about my habit and it's not meant to be personal, I can still end up hurting their feelings. And I hate hurting people's feelings! I can be pretty feisty during a confrontation, but I almost always end up crying because I feel bad about what I said. So I know that I need to work on that. I am really grateful for the time I have had to work on things and as much as it's been hard waiting to start a family, it's nice to have some time of personal reflection. I don't want to be the person that throws fits anymore. I have to come up with some alternatives to express myself. I know it will be hard work, though. And I do have a kind and soft heart and compassion for people, I just need that to be my first reaction and use it in a good way. I need to be better to my family. I don't ever want to say, "that's just how I am and I can't change that", because I do want to change, and I believe that I can. So here's to self-improvement!

Not a Joker

Happy April Fools Day! I have to tell you, I've never been much of a fan. I think it's great in theory, but I don't really like practical jokes (and why do they call them practical, anyway? am I the only person that thinks this doesn't make sense?). Maybe because I'm not very good at executing them. I pretty bad at it actually. One year my cousin and I baked cookies with just salt in them and tried to give them to our brothers, but it didn't really take. I think our willingness to bring them cookies and our giggling gave it away.

Then a few years ago before my husband and I were trying( oh, those wonderful, naive days!), I thought I had finally come up with a good one. My cousin, who I called quite regularly, had this habit of immediately asking if I was pregnant when I called. She still does that sometimes, actually, though it's not usually the 1st thing she asks. Anyway, so I called her and the first thing she asked me was "So are you pregnant?" And I said "yes!", while quietly laughing to myself. She got really excited and suddenly said "Me too! this will be so great, we will be pregnant together!" and on and on... Woops! So I had to find a way to break into her happy diatribe and say "um, not really, uh, April fools?" She was pretty mad and I felt really bad. Yeah, so guess who was the fool in that situation? I guess I'm just not meant to be a practical joker. But I am pretty good at sneaking up to people and scaring them. Sometimes I do it without even trying.

Anyways, whether you are a joker or just enjoy a good joke, Have a good April 1st!