Ups and Downs

I had a really good weekend despite it being Mother's Day, even. I didn't even really think about it, and I wasn't worried about anything. I sometimes have those great days where it seems like my burdens are lifted and it was great. I wasn't really prepared for a downer so soon. I am not having a very good day. Stress is getting to me and I feel apathetic and unenergetic. Maybe it has something to do with yet another one of my sister-in-law's being pregnant? Yep, you heard me right, another one. *bangs head on desk* The funny thing was I wasn't at all upset when she told me, I was pretty excited for her actually. I was really happy that she told me in person, it was very respectful for her to do that, and I really appreciate it. But it's just my luck that that would happen, right? And really, no matter how much I prepare myself for that type of thing, it still stings a little. I wasn't upset at the time, but now I'm feeling sorta down. I would never blame anyone though for the way I feel. It's no one's fault. I feel what I feel, and I can't put blame on anyone innocent, plus there is so many other things that go on in my head, so no one deserves to have to deal with all that crap they don't even know I've been obsessing over. And I know I will get over it. I may not ever get over the longing to have a child, but I can move past the small hurts. And it's kinda good news in a way, because if I do get pregnant soon, my baby will have a cousin their same age! and you all know how important that is to me.

Oh, that's another thing, though, that maybe I haven't mentioned yet. Being infertile, but still actively trying to conceive, you find yourself making plans for you future baby to get yourself excited. You think this is a good idea, saying to yourself " this will keep me going, making plans for the future, at least I'm looking ahead, right?". Then the future comes and you still have no baby, and no identifiable progress. Then you feel like a fool and you feel guilty for letting yourself get excited for something that you feel like you may never have. That is just part of the Highs and Lows you feel. Maybe this term is overused, but it's very fitting :Emotional Roller coaster. That sums it up quite nicely.

So today is a little tough, but I am working on it. I made some progress yesterday, but my anxiety is coming through. With the new fertility plan, I am feeling stressed. Anyway, yesterday I went into the fertility clinic. I needed to come in on my day 3 (of my cycle, day 1 is the first day of your period, btw), which it was, and left a message right when they opened, but they never called me back. I was feeling way too anxious about things, so I finally around 1:00 I just went into the office. I just wanted to get it over with. So I had a blood draw, and it was awful. I've never gotten that sick from it before. Maybe it was because I was already anxious, I don't know. But I got lightheaded, my vision started going (pretty much you start to see only white), my hearing was going (it starts to sound like you are in a tunnel), and my whole body was filled with an uncomfortable tingling sensation. I was really close to passing out. I started to think " how the heck am I going to be able to get through all of this?" It made me feel weak, I didn't like it.

After I recovered (it took about 15 minutes), I had an ultrasound done to check the ovaries again. Looking good. So I've got a plan for the next week, until they tell me what to do next. So this week I am taking Clomid everyday until Friday, I have an HSG* scheduled for Monday, and another ultrasound on Wednesday. Oh, and I have to start using an ovulation prediction test starting on Monday, too.

With all this I am feeling good about continuing on with the plan, but emotionally drained as well. I feeling a little bit like I can't deal with much more right now. Even cleaning the house seems harder. I've been a little freaked out about this, to be honest. I know I am going in the right direction, but man, my anxiety is starting to kick into high gear. I start second guessing myself, and I am even worried about how we are going to manage the cost of everything too. Maybe I just need to go meditate for a while...Breathe, Molly, Breathe...

*http://infertility.about.com/od/infertilitytesting/a/hsg.htm