Today is my best friend's birthday, she is nine months younger than me so it's always nice to say to her "Ha! Now you're old like me!". The sad thing is, I really do feel old. Sometimes I look at kids (yes, kids!) in their early 20s and think to myself, that used to be me, young, vibrant, full of energy and interests..now I just feel old, tired, and disinterested. I feel like I've aged a lot more in the past 3 years. I look in the mirror and see dull skin, boring hair, under eye circles, and the beginnings of wrinkles. A chubby tummy and thighs and cellulite, ick. What happened to me?, I say to myself, and then I realize "Ah! You've had the stress of infertility hanging over you!" I'm sure having a thyroid condition isn't doing me any favors, either. Now most people would be like, you're crazy! I try to be carefree, I really do. I start out every month thinking "Its no big deal if you don't get pregnant this month, you're doing the best you can, and it will happen eventually". Then the month ends. Not pregnant, yet again. I'm an entire month older, closer to my next birthday, and I feel like time is slipping away from me. I'm no youthful, fertility goddess, just a woman that doesn't feel like a woman, yet keeps getting older. I'm turning 29 in July. When I first started trying, it was like, oh, well as long as I'm a Mom when I'm 27 that will be great! Then it was 28, 29, and to have a baby before I turn 30, I need to get pregnant by this Fall. Don't know if that's going to happen. I know that it's not a big deal, really, not in the long run, but it sure feels like it sometimes.
Anyway, sorry if this is depressing. But this blog is about honesty so I'm trying to be honest about some of the things I feel sometimes. But you know what? I'm still grateful for my life. I'm grateful I can lace up my running shoes and hear the sound of my feet on the sidewalk, and breath the fresh air. I'm grateful that I have time to do my decorating projects, that I can go out on a date with my hubby on a whim. I'm grateful for good neighbors and friends, and to have love for others. I'm still going to live my life, in fact, I'm determined to.
I love your honesty.
ReplyDeleteOh Molly...thank you for sharing these honest feelings. I guess I didn't realize that we are almost the exact same age (I will be 29 in September). Like you, I kinda had an age in my head that I would tell myself motherhood she happen by. Well, that age has come and gone and a couple more birthdays have passed. Now I've told myself 30...but I realize 30 isn't too far off anymore either.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing down my feelings...even though you didn't know you were doing it. You aren't alone. And yes, it will happen for you. There is a life plan for all of us...some of us have to do things the hard way before we can get to enjoy the rewards. Your words really do help me deal...so please keep writing! Hugs!
I think it is great that you are so honest about how you feel and infertility. I think we go in thinking when I want to get pregnant it will just happen..then reality slaps you across the face and all your hopes and dreams seem to get pushed around and not going how you would like.
ReplyDeleteI remember getting married at 26 and knowing that pregnancy would be hard (never had any idea how hard) but when we were 28 we would start trying.....our first baby that lived was at 31 and then at 34....hang in there and share your ups and downs. You do a great job and you never know who you may be helping!!
I feel the same way, and I am in my younger 20's. I am my worst critic and I feel like a old, lazy, boring, fatty mcfat-fat. But your right, I should be more grateful for just being alive and I should try to go live my life more fully. Going running sounds really great. I haven't done that in almost 2 years.
ReplyDeleteWhen I go up to Utah in June we should get make overs. New hair, new outfit, new feeling of greatness! :D *SIGH* I want one so bad!!!