@ 30 weeks

It's been a little while since I posted so I'll give a quick update. I went in for my glucose test at 28 weeks- PASSED! And it wasn't even that bad. I heard from some people about how gross the drink was, how bad it was, ect. But it wasn't bad at all! Maybe it was because I was sorta expecting it to be awful. I got another Rhogam shot, got through that ok. Then last week I had my 30 week ultrasound to check on my placenta problem. Some good news, it's moved up. Unfortunately, I still have a partial previa hanging out around the cervix. My midwife was still pretty positive that it would continue to move, but I've got another ultrasound to check it in a month, and possible C-section is still on the table. Dang. But I did get another cute pic of the lil' one.

I'm in the third trimester now (wow!), and getting closer and closer to the big birthday. I'm nervous and scared, but have been trying to learn as much as I can to be better prepared. We took a Childbirth class on Saturday. We watch a video of a woman who did natural childbirth in all the stages of labor. After class I said to my hubby "Well, I hope you have more understanding now of what I'm about to go through" and he said "Yeah. Are you sure you don't want an epidural? It looks like alot of work!". I guess if I do end up being able to do natural, I've got to toughen him up! Silly man!

Smile and Laugh

When you are going through infertility, having a good sense of humor helps. Though when I was going through it I didn't really appreciate some people making jokes to lighten the mood. I know they were trying to help, but sometimes it was annoying because they really didn't know at all what I was going through. I felt like my life and hardship was not a joke. I felt better joking around people that had actually gone through infertility or were going through it at the time. Not that I was incredibly serious, but it is a very painful thing and it helped to be around people who understood that type of pain. Anyway, I came across this series of videos and thought that they were really great and very relatable in what you go through. Anyway, check 'em out if you are having a bad day or just want a good laugh.

Oh, and I also came across this article the other day I found really informative and realistic. If you are facing some issues or just want to know more about infertility and what it is like to go through check it out : http://www.ivillage.com/things-we-wish-we-d-known-about-infertility/6-b-333172

Groovy, baby

Disco Mama says : "Hope you all had a GROOOVY Halloween! Baby Disco Beat and I partied and danced the night away!"

Hey everyone, hope that things are well with you! I am almost 26 weeks now, crazy! I'm almost into my 3rd trimester. Time is going by pretty fast and I've got to start getting prepared. I registered for gifts, but did it kinda quickly so I might have to work on that some more. But I've started collecting things and people have given me stuff, so I've got a nice little stash. I'm still trying to figure out what I need, though. Any advice? I also have signed up for childbirth classes in December and am going to borrow some books on hypnobirthing from my neighbor. I'd like to study that, and it would be nice to take some hypnobirthing classes, but they are way expensive!

The pregnancy has been going fine, though I do have my emotional moments. My last doctor's appointment I was in a really bad mood. I was already cranky, then the nurse weighed me and it was more than I expected. But there's not much I can do about that, anyway, I'm eating pretty normally and trying to exercise a few times a week. Then when I saw the midwife, she told me I needed to get a Rhogam shot at 28 weeks, eventhough I already had one at 15 weeks due to some bleeding. I was not happy about that. I thought I was done with that! Then she commented that I "seemed a little down about getting the shot" Uh, yeah, who wants to get a shot? Then she felt she needed to tell me all about why it's important. I know why it's important, and I'll do it but it doesn't mean I'll be happy about it, yeash! I left my appointment feeling like "why do I have to go to these dumb appointments? what's the point? women had been having babies for centuries before all this" Anyways, I was just crabby. I am grateful for modern medical technology. Without it I wouldn't even be pregnant right now.

Anyway, on Halloween night, after the festivities were over (we had a small family party at our house), I was laying down and actually saw the baby moving around for the first time! I've seen little knocks here and there, but he was really moving all around this time. It was strange and alien-like, but oh so adorable! I was watching him again this morning, and was just in amazement, I mean, I created that life. My husband and I created him, and though we may have has some assistance in getting it all together, he is ours, and we created him together! I was just overcome with a feeling of gratitude that I have the privilege of carrying that life. It makes it all worth it and I will always appreciate him and that I was granted this ability after trying for so long. I can't wait to meet him!

The message I want to share with everyone is: Never give up. If it is your dream and you feel like you are meant to be a mother, never give up. There are so many ways you can be a mother. My way is different from yours, but there are alot of options out there. It may take time to figure out what option is best for you, but you will find your way. It's an extremely hard road to travel, but it is worth it!

It's a......

BOY! Hubby and I were a little shocked to find that out at the ultrasound. I didn't think I really knew one way or another, but I think we were both more expecting the baby to be a girl. It's still a little strange to me, but so is the whole actually-having-a-baby thing. The ultrasound went well and the baby is right on track, but I sort of have a problem. My placenta is not only too low, but it is also covering my cervix. The midwife sounded pretty confident that it would move, but if it doesn't, I would have to have a C-section. Boo. I am all about natural birth so that is obviously something I don't want. The problem with that condition is that the baby needs the placenta to survive birth and if it is covering the cervix that means you would to "birth" the placenta first, which means the baby couldn't survive. So I am having another ultrasound in 10 weeks to check it again. I'm surprisingly not that worried about it. Even if I end up having a C-section (the total opposite of my plan), I've been feeling okay about it. I just want what's best for the baby. But I am still hoping and praying I can give birth the natural way (I'm against using and drugs during labor too). I guess I will plan my ideal birth situation, but still be open to different possibilities too. Anyway, I've got some pics to share with you.

Cutie!

yep, that's a boy allright!

His cute lil' foot

Progressive Belly Pics

So I am finally getting around to posting my belly documentation. I started thinking I would take pics every week wearing the same outfit, and well, guess I wasn't too dedicated to that idea anyway. But I have taken a few pics, that counts for something!

Here we go:

Beginning- 4 weeks

15 weeks starts to show

19 weeks- it sure popped out in a few short weeks!

at present: 20 weeks

So I had my ultrasound on Thursday and there were a few surprises there. But the baby is healthy and that's what I really care about it. I will post some more details, including the gender, once everyone in our immediate families know. I can't believe I'm halfway through this pregnancy already!

2nd trimester update

It's been quite a while since I have written! Well, life kinda takes over sometimes. Lately I've been going through some depression, which hasn't helped, and I've been working on it. It seems so weird that I would feel that way when it took me so long to get pregnant and finally am and I feel that way. I kept thinking "why don't I feel happy all the time?" Then I feel like I should be happy all the time which makes it worse, because then I feel guilty. But I also recognize I still have a life, and life is hard, and that I have all these pregnancy hormones to boot. I'm slowly coming out of it now. It seems like the past few weeks have been especially stressful, which then I feel guilty about because I don't want it to harm my baby. But I have to realize that some things are just out of my control.

Anyway, I am well into my second trimester (yeah!). My stomach problems aren't as bad, but now I've got that sweet pregnancy congestion going on all the time. I have to say that I do like getting symptoms, though while unpleasant still remind me I'm actually pregnant and not just getting fat. My belly is starting to round out but it's still not obvious that I'm pregnant. So I am 17 weeks and have an ultrasound appointment on September 22nd! So exciting! Just under three weeks and I'll get to find out the gender (hopefully). Everyone seems to think it's a girl. I'm not sure what I will have and I really detest it when people ask me what I want. Just seems unfair to have a preference when I've waited so long to have a baby. I will be excited no matter what.

I've been progressing well, but I did have some bleeding that lasted for 5 days that didn't seem to have a reason for it. I call my doctor's office and talked to a midwife because I've been working with them, and they told me to watch out for it again even though it didn't seem serious this time (no cramping along with it and it was more like spotting). But I did have to go have a rhogam shot, being a negative blood type. It wasn't too bad getting the shot, but yeah, was a little stressful.

So I am just waiting for my appointment pretty much. I've also been taking care of my husband, because he had a minor surgery last week. He was able to go back to work today, so he is recovering well. It's time for me to get back into exercise. I finally felt like I can do it again and I just got some prenatal exercise videos that I ordered so I am excited to get back into a exercise schedule! I know it will help me deal with the depression as well. I'll try to post more too!

Here Come the Waterworks...

Well, my stomach issues are finally disappearing, but while those are waning, something else has come in the fill their place. Slowly it's crept up, and now there is no stopping it. Yep, its those dang emotions. I can barely keep hold back the tears. It started out as irritability, but it's turned into waves of crying. My husband, who seemed to be bothering me a lot has left me in Washington while I stay for a few more weeks. My heart hurts and I feel lost without him. In church yesterday, I welled up the whole time in Sunday school. This morning after a rough night of not sleeping well, my Dad said it was because I didn't go for a walk yesterday, and that I should really be walking everyday. Not only that but he's be criticizing my eating habits, which by the way aren't even that bad considering I can actually stomach real food now. Excuse me for getting a package of Oreos, Dad. Someone better alert the Obesity Police, you've got a fat pregnant woman here. Yes, I've gained weight, I don't need someone reminding me of that. I thought one of the benefits of pregnancy was getting a free pass to gain weight. Anyway, I know he doesn't mean it that way, and wants to help, but considering that I've felt up to doing more this past week than in the past 2 months, it hurts this hormonal gal's feelings. I had to go lock myself in my room and cry for an hour and I'm still not sure I'm over it.

Well, that's it for now, but good news is my baby is now considered a fetus and not an embryo anymore. Making progress. And I am almost out of the first trimester! I am excited about that! I'm hoping to actually show soon instead of just having a fat tummy. Oh, well, I'm going to continue to do my best. I really am trying.

Ultrasound and Baby Update

Just a quick post today. Hubby and I are off to Washington this evening for vacation and to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. I just wanted to post the new ultrasound pic. I had a doctors appointment yesterday and he said that everything looks normal and perfect! I could definitely make out the baby's shape and saw it move, kicking those legs and moving those arms! It was so amazing. Nothing can compare. The doctor said I graduated from the fertility clinic and all the staff signed a card for me. It was so sweet!

The baby looks so much bigger. I can't believe how fast it's growing!

Ch-Ch-Changes

Well, I can definitely tell that I pregnant. Take for instance, I am writing this at 5:00 in the morning, and no, I'm not at all a morning person. But I've been waking up around 4:30 everyday hungry. And not just normal hunger that you can put off until later. No, this is like I'm starving and my stomach is about to collapse in on itself. Which is really annoying because I love sleep and hate to be interrupted. So usually the stomach wins and I trot down to the kitchen for a snack. But then it's a little harder to go back to bed right away so here I am. Not that I'm complaining. It's actually really nice to feel these changes and know that I'm growing a wee littl' one. It's reassuring in a way because the first 2 weeks I didn't really have any symptoms and I was wondering if it was really true or just some crazy fantasy. But I know that it is real. I think that I can classify my symptoms into 4 main categories:

1. Constant Hunger

2. Constant Nausea

3. Constant Gassiness

4. Constant Tiredness

Now I usually have at least two of these at once if not all. I never though you could feel nauseous, hungry and gassy at the same time. Interesting. I have to admit that I've been neglecting my blog. There are just some day where I don't feel well at all. At first, I was only really tired and thought, "Well at least I'm not sick" Then I started getting a little queasy, which then developed into all day nausea, then I thought "Well, at least I'm not throwing up". Then I threw up. It's not pleasant, but I am still really happy and nothing could ever not make me happy about being pregnant. I got my first ultrasound on Friday and got to hear the heartbeat. It was amazing, and any thoughts of discomfort and illness went right out the window. My sweet little one. It's only around the size of a blueberry and only looked like a little blob on the ultrasound, but I only can think of it as a baby and feel connected already. It really is amazing. Well, I think I'm off to bed again. I post a pic of the ultrasound later and give a little more details.

Later...

So here's the pic! There's only one little nugget in there. I was half expecting to see two little ones in there, but I made my mind up that whatever it was going to be, it would be the best for my family. I am really happy and even now I know this won't be the only child for our family. Well, since waking up for the second time this morning, I actually felt pretty good. Good enough to clean the kitchen anyway. Seems like I most days I feel like I can't do anything, so I've got to take advantage of feeling up to doing something while I can.

I have a question for anyone who has gone through fertility treatments. The nurse practitioner that gave my my ultrasound and performed the IUI told me to be on progesterone until 9 weeks, but I've been doing some research and thought that it was better to do it until 12 weeks. I asked her about it at the ultrasound and she said that the placenta is developed enough at 9 weeks, I was under the impression that it wasn't until 12 weeks. I told her about having low progesterone in the past and thought it might be better to keep on it until 12 weeks. She said that I could, and it wouldn't hurt any to do it. I just wondered if anyone was on progesterone until 9 weeks or 12 weeks and wondered if anyone had an opinion about it. Anyway, thanks!

Pregnant Pee for Charity?

The past few weeks have been interesting for me. It is definitely a change being pregnant. I actually have felt ok, just pretty tired and exercise is more challenging, but I'm trying to do at least a half hour a day of something (mainly walking or dance central). I haven't been really sick and felt just fine. That is, until a few days ago. I have some nausea, not too bad, no throwing up just an unsettle stomach. It seems like its either that or hunger. I get soo hungry now! It doesn't come on gradually either! It's like I always need something in my stomach.

Anyway, other than that, I've been doing a lot of research about pregnancy online. I came across this really cool article. In the Netherlands, there is this organization called Mothers for Mothers that collects urine from pregnant women to extract the HCG to use in a drug called Pregnyl. This drug is used in fertility treatments for women who have problems with infertility. It helps to lower the cost of fertility treatments. How cool is that? I love that someone came up with this idea because anyone that has gone through fertility treatments know how expensive it is. I would totally do this. I'm peeing all the time anyway, might as well put it to good use. Anyway, I think that is so awesome! We should definitely do this in the U.S.!

Link for the article is below:

http://thestir.cafemom.com/pregnancy/121033/a_better_use_for_pregnant

Well?

Sorry to keep you guys in suspense, but I promise that I don't have any bad news. In fact, I have very, very good news! I'M PREGNANT!!!!! The IUI was successful! I went in on Thursday morning for the test and they told me that I would probably have to wait for their call until the afternoon. But low and behold, an hour and a half later I got a call that it was positive!! I literally squealed with delight! After I got off the phone I think I must have jumped up and down with joyful screaming for at least five minutes. I thought that if it was positive I was going to wait to tell hubby until he came home and do it in a cutesy way, but I couldn't wait and called him right away. He was pretty shocked but very excited! I think that I'm still a bit shocked too! It's kinda surreal to get that sort of news when you are used to bad news all the time. I am just soo grateful to my Heavenly Father who has given me the strength to get through this. And I am grateful for modern medicine and the miracle it has given me. I know that I wouldn't have been able to get pregnant without it. WOW..I mean, you get used to how your life is, it seems to never go anywhere, and in an instant it changes!

Anyway, I have been bursting at the seams wanting to write, but hubby and I wanted a chance to tell our family members first. He was like, "Oh, we don't have to tell people right away" and I'm like, "well, everyone knows what we've been doing anyway, and besides, I really, really want to!" I pretty much told my parents, my brothers and sisters (plus a few cousins and close friends) right away. There have been a few people that I talked to, like my sister, and ended up crying. Its been a long a challenging road, but I know that I am super lucky that it happened on the first try! I still can hardly believe it.

Anyway, things are great. Hubby has been fantastic and so nice. He made me an awesome salad when we got home from church and has been worried about my health and trying to keep me and "little bun" healthy. He even read some things out of "What to Expect when You're Expecting" to me. It's so fun to see him act so cute and concerned an excited.

Now I know that just because I'm preggers doesn't mean that nothing bad could happen so I still need prayers and good thoughts sent my way. I want to say thank you all for your support, your kind words, advice and encouragement. It has really lifted my burden and helped me to keep moving on! Thank you!

Oh, I have an ultrasound scheduled for the 23rd to check up on my progress. Maybe it might be twins? Hmmm? They didn't say anything to me about my levels looking like that, but it has crossed my mind.

So now I am in for a new kind of waiting, but I think that I've developed a lot of patience during this so maybe it won't be so bad.

I just have one more thing to add : VICTORY!!!

Pregnancy Testing, the ancient way

I'm doing a lot better. The past few day I've haven't been as nervous and have kept pretty busy. I still have my moments of anxiety, but thankfully I've been around a lot of people and that has kept my mind off of things. I went and saw the new Pirates movie on Saturday and hung out with friends. On Monday I spent the day with hubby and we went to visit some grave sites, then went to Ogden and played mini golf, he tried out the Flowrider (an artificial wave you can surf and boogie-board on), had dinner and just spent time together. So that was really fun! Yesterday I hung out with my sister and did some gardening and today I'm going to go to her house and help her plant things in her garden. So far, so good. Wow, I can't believe I go into the doctor tomorrow! Crazy. It kinda got me thinking about the history of pregnancy tests. I read something about it on the internet a couple months ago, but couldn't remember where I found it before. So I looked up some articles this morning and I like this one: http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art44462.asp . It's got some humor in it, which I like. So I guess if I want to find out, I can do like the Egyptians did: first pee on some barley and wheat seeds, if the barley grows, it's a boy, if the wheat does, its a girl, if nothing grows, not pregnant. They actually did a study in the 60's to see if this was at all accurate and it predicted with 70% accuracy. Interesting stuff. Anyway, wish me luck for tomorrow! Whatever happens, I know I've done my best. I was feeling really down on myself last week, thinking that I was doing horrible at everything in my life, and wasn't doing as good as I could. But then a comforting thought came into my mind "you are doing what you can right now. you are doing the best that you can with your circumstances. don't give up" I am so grateful for that. I know that I'm not perfect, but right now I'm doing all that I can do.

Oh, here's a pic of my new shoes! I think they're cute!

If I was a nail biter, my fingers would be bleeding by now.

So I have been trying really hard not to be anxious, trying to take it easy, but its been an awful struggle. And it's making me be in a really bad mood even though I don't want to be. My patience has been wearing pretty thin. But only one more week until the test at the doctors. I don't know what to think though. If it's good news I want to find out right now, if its bad news I don't want to know. I could probably take an at home test a few days before my appointment, but I think that I'll be too anxious to really trust any results I get at home anyway, so it might be best to just wait 'till I go to the doctor anyway. I don't want to jinx it or anything.

So I've been going a little crazy. I thought it would be good to get out of the house today so I went to the temple. It was closed, though, sad! So then I just sat on the grounds for a while and did a little meditation which felt great. After that I went and met my brothers for lunch which was fun. I was going to head home when I saw the new shoe store that just opened up and thought "oh, what the hey, I'll might as well go look". I thought it would be nice to get a new pair of church shoes, since it's been a while. That was a mistake. I tried on too many and before I knew what was happening, I was walking out with two new pairs. I justified it and told myself I deserved it, but now I'm feeling guilty about spending the money. Especially when I got home and found a bill for the doctor's office in the mail. Crap. That's not helping my anxiety! But in my defense they are really, really cute shoes. Oh, well, hope hubby isn't to mad about it. I would return them but they have a store credit only policy. Anyway, I might need to go meditate some more, or do something to distract myself. Wish me luck!

IUI? Check!

So everything when well yesterday! I was getting nervous the night before, but I felt pretty good all day yesterday before I went in. My sister in law, A. (the one who is recently pregnant) came to visit me in the morning and brought me a little treat. It was so nice an thoughtful! I really appreciated it. My husband came home at lunch and took the rest of the day off to go with me.

So we dropped off the eh-hem, sample at 2:30 and it takes them an hour to "wash" the sperm (get all the good ones out) so we went and met my sister somewhere and came back. She said she would come with me and I wasn't sure if the hubster would be able to take the rest of the day off, so I asked her before to meet me somewhere. I was really glad to have her there, even just sitting in the waiting room, it was nice to know she was there for me. So we went back and I started to get a little nervous, but I've been praying alot to be able to be calm and handle things so it really wasn't that bad. I am so grateful for that. I know Heavenly Father helped me get through it and calm my mind. So they brought me in the room and I changed, and then joked with my husband about the various "instruments of torture" laying around and saying "if I do get pregnant at least you can say you were there for the conception!". A little lame but it certainly helps to joke sometimes. Then I had the procedure done, which was uncomfortable, not entirely painless, but could be worse. It didn't take that long, maybe 5- 10 minutes. Oh, and they said the sample was good so SCORE! So then I rested on the table for a bit and was then given instructions. So I'm going to start taking the progesterone tonight, and it's something you keep on taking if you get pregnant, and stop if you don't. And I have a pregnancy test scheduled in the office for June 2nd. So it's going to be a nerve-racking 2 weeks until then. I am really going to try to keep myself busy during the day and try to relax as much as possible. I still can't believe I just did that! The whole time during the procedure I was thinking "I can't believe I'm actually doing this!" I have high hopes, but am trying to be realistic too. Now at least I know for a fact I can do this. It hasn't been an easy road though, but for the first time in a long time, I feel really excited about it!

It's go time!

So today I went in for my ultrasound, to check everything and see if I had some well developed follicles(think of it as the egg)*. I've been doing the whole ovulation predictors kits at home and haven't gotten a positive yet, so was just thinking it wouldn't be a big deal and I probably wouldn't be ready until later this week for anything else. Well, the doctor checked it out, showed me that I had two big and juicy follicles (plus one smaller one) at the ready and my uterine lining was "optimal". So she looked at me and said "Well, looks like we can do the IUI tomorrow!" An IUI just means Intrauterine Insemination*. They had discussed it with me for my fertility plan before and I wasn't sure about doing it just yet, so I have been thinking about it. My immediate response was woah, this is going really fast, I'm only a fews weeks into this process, it's come to this already?! But then I got really excited and figured, hey lets go for it! So I have an insemination scheduled for tomorrow! Isn't that nuts? Anyway, it was time for me to get my HCG shot so it will release the egg(s) and they actually just gave me the shot in the office since I didn't bring mine. I really didn't know that I would have to, I was pretty much caught off guard with the fact that they think I should do an insemination already. I was glad that someone in the office gave it to me so I didn't have to worry about doing it at home. They just asked me to bring my stuff from home to replace it.

So I go in tomorrow afternoon. This seems to be going so fast. I've been so used to waiting its weird to have someone be like "you're ready...NOW!" Crazy. So everyone, please keep me in your prayers, your good thoughts, whatever! Thanks!

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ovarian_follicle

*http://www.americanpregnancy.org/infertility/iui.html

Horrendous Horrible HSG

I've had a really bad week last week. My anxiety was in overdrive and I was really obsessing and terrified that what I am doing won't work. I'd been taking Clomid and didn't really have any physical side effects, but I think that it was making my anxiety worse because I was having a much harder time controlling my thoughts. I been able to manage my anxiety pretty well, but it's been much more difficult to do that recently. And I was feeling totally neglected by my hubby. Not that he meant to or anything, he's just been really busy working on getting our back yard done that I haven't spent as much time with him. I felt so crazy this past week and really just wanted someone to take care of me and didn't feel like he was really paying attention to me or even cared about what I've been going through. So I was mad at him for a few days, but I think that was because it was easier to sorta put it all on him. So we had a very difficult, but resolving talk on Friday night. Infertility can be so straining on a marriage. Especially when you feel like you want to talk about it and get the stress out and your partner thinks it better to not say anything so that you aren't reminded of it. But really, I think about it constantly so I need to get it out somehow! Anyway, so he's been better at making sure I'm ok lately. Really all I want from him is comfort. I don't even want to talk about it all the time, it's just nice to be held and treated nicely. He took me out for sushi on Saturday night and then we went an bought Portal 2 and played it together and it was really fun! Oh, and it was a nice day, so I got to go work out in my garden which was really satisfying.

So this morning I went and had the HSG done, and hubby came with me. I think that it was really important for him to come and really see that I am going through some hard things. I was really glad he was there because it helped me alot. Ok, so the HSG was awful. First, they explained what they were going to do and I got all sweaty and my vision started going. I was thinking "oh, great, here we go again". It was a good thing I got to lie down for the procedure because I was pretty such I would've fainted if not for that. I was glad it didn't last for long because it hurt . It was more that just a "little cramping". I wanted to cry, but instead I think I just didn't breathe well. Then after it was done, my arms got the pins and needles feeling, and my muscles totally seized up. I couldn't move my hands or fingers at all and it was really painful. The nurse said I hyperventilated and that why I couldn't move them. So they tipped me back on the table and I was getting freaked out, so I did my best to breathe. Hubby massaged my shoulders for me so that really helped and just having him by my side was calming. It took probably 10 minutes for me to recover. But the good news is, they said everything looks good! My uterus looked well and so did my fallopian tubes. The nurse was really nice and she said that having that done can flush out anything that may be in your tubes and that most people have increased fertility for a few months after because of that. Anyway, so I am so happy! I was really worried that they would find something horribly wrong with me.

So for the rest of the day, I am taking it easy. I am just going to have a "rest day". I've got another ultrasound on Wednesday morning and where they will check for ovulation, so there is alot going on this week. I am feeling much better today, having got that done, I'm so glad I don't have to worry about it anymore!

Ups and Downs

I had a really good weekend despite it being Mother's Day, even. I didn't even really think about it, and I wasn't worried about anything. I sometimes have those great days where it seems like my burdens are lifted and it was great. I wasn't really prepared for a downer so soon. I am not having a very good day. Stress is getting to me and I feel apathetic and unenergetic. Maybe it has something to do with yet another one of my sister-in-law's being pregnant? Yep, you heard me right, another one. *bangs head on desk* The funny thing was I wasn't at all upset when she told me, I was pretty excited for her actually. I was really happy that she told me in person, it was very respectful for her to do that, and I really appreciate it. But it's just my luck that that would happen, right? And really, no matter how much I prepare myself for that type of thing, it still stings a little. I wasn't upset at the time, but now I'm feeling sorta down. I would never blame anyone though for the way I feel. It's no one's fault. I feel what I feel, and I can't put blame on anyone innocent, plus there is so many other things that go on in my head, so no one deserves to have to deal with all that crap they don't even know I've been obsessing over. And I know I will get over it. I may not ever get over the longing to have a child, but I can move past the small hurts. And it's kinda good news in a way, because if I do get pregnant soon, my baby will have a cousin their same age! and you all know how important that is to me.

Oh, that's another thing, though, that maybe I haven't mentioned yet. Being infertile, but still actively trying to conceive, you find yourself making plans for you future baby to get yourself excited. You think this is a good idea, saying to yourself " this will keep me going, making plans for the future, at least I'm looking ahead, right?". Then the future comes and you still have no baby, and no identifiable progress. Then you feel like a fool and you feel guilty for letting yourself get excited for something that you feel like you may never have. That is just part of the Highs and Lows you feel. Maybe this term is overused, but it's very fitting :Emotional Roller coaster. That sums it up quite nicely.

So today is a little tough, but I am working on it. I made some progress yesterday, but my anxiety is coming through. With the new fertility plan, I am feeling stressed. Anyway, yesterday I went into the fertility clinic. I needed to come in on my day 3 (of my cycle, day 1 is the first day of your period, btw), which it was, and left a message right when they opened, but they never called me back. I was feeling way too anxious about things, so I finally around 1:00 I just went into the office. I just wanted to get it over with. So I had a blood draw, and it was awful. I've never gotten that sick from it before. Maybe it was because I was already anxious, I don't know. But I got lightheaded, my vision started going (pretty much you start to see only white), my hearing was going (it starts to sound like you are in a tunnel), and my whole body was filled with an uncomfortable tingling sensation. I was really close to passing out. I started to think " how the heck am I going to be able to get through all of this?" It made me feel weak, I didn't like it.

After I recovered (it took about 15 minutes), I had an ultrasound done to check the ovaries again. Looking good. So I've got a plan for the next week, until they tell me what to do next. So this week I am taking Clomid everyday until Friday, I have an HSG* scheduled for Monday, and another ultrasound on Wednesday. Oh, and I have to start using an ovulation prediction test starting on Monday, too.

With all this I am feeling good about continuing on with the plan, but emotionally drained as well. I feeling a little bit like I can't deal with much more right now. Even cleaning the house seems harder. I've been a little freaked out about this, to be honest. I know I am going in the right direction, but man, my anxiety is starting to kick into high gear. I start second guessing myself, and I am even worried about how we are going to manage the cost of everything too. Maybe I just need to go meditate for a while...Breathe, Molly, Breathe...

*http://infertility.about.com/od/infertilitytesting/a/hsg.htm

Running but not running away

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I was very anxious knowing that my medications were going to arrive that day. I knew they would because my fertility clinic goes through Walgreen's specialty pharmacy where they just send medications to your home. Anyway, they called me to tell me when it was shipped and when it would arrive. So anyway, I was really, really anxious to get them. I was worried all day if when my package would come and thinking, did they get my address right? also, those where expensive and I hope so much it didn't get lost!! I kept looking out my window every few minutes, when anyone drove by I would run and look. I was on high alert and high anxiety. Finally at 4:30, they came. It was a relief, but only for a few minutes. Crap. Now I'm going to have to actually use these things.

I opened the package, looked things over, and put them away. Some had to be keep cold, so now I have in my fridge a baggy full of things marked "progesterone suppositories" and "vaginal applicators". Fun times at my house, I tell you. The worst was the syringe, so that is sitting in the back of my pantry behind all my supplements for now. It was pretty intimidating opening up the package. Woah, this is reality. Honestly, I wanted to run out of the house screaming! But I stayed put and popped in the CD-rom of information that came with it. I read up on some basic info, but once I got to the heading entitled " injection training" I was like "nope! not today! can't handle that one quite yet!" Pretty sure I would have fainted if I looked over that one. I will probably have to have hubby look that over. He was really nice when I told him how worried I was, he just looked at me and said " I know you can do this". Aww... So nice that he believes in me, because I really, really need that support. So many times I just feel like running away and not dealing with this anymore. I know that I can't, though. I would never be happy knowing that I didn't do everything that I could, even if it was really hard for me.

Anyway, as far as my other goals are going, umm ok, I've kinda had a hard time getting back into an exercise routine. I've been doing it, but not as much as I want to be and it's been a little sporadic. So today I thought I'd give something new a chance. My stake (the local part of my church, comprised of different "wards") has a free aerobics class on Tuesdays and Thursdays that started a few weeks ago, so I though, hey why not try it? In my mind somehow I pictured a bunch of old lady's skipping around the church gym doing leg lifts or something for half an hour. Oh, man was I wrong! It totally kicked my butt! There where women of all ages there, and there was lots of running, squats, lunges, arm work, ab work, everything! It was a great hour long workout and I think I'm going to make a habit out of it, cause it was awesome! Hard, but such a great workout. Anyway, hope everyone is having a good day!

Looking Forward and Looking Back

So my doctor's appointment when really well. The office had a nice, homey atmosphere inside, decorated nicely with comfy couches, so that put me more at ease than a regular doctor's office. Not quite so scary. First off, I talked to my new doctor in his office. He was really nice and explained a lot off things to me and pretty much said " Yeah, there's definitely something not right, you should have been pregnant by now". But he was really confident that I would get pregnant. Nice things to hear. So then he gave me and ultrasound to check out my ovaries (this involved using a big wand and one not used on the outside, if you catch my drift so, ick) He said everything looked good except I have a tiny cyst on on of them, but that isn't too back (I am so glad it wasn't worse than that). He said that it look like I ovulated, but even then, there still could be problems with my ovulation anyway. So next month I have to come in for some blood tests and to get a procedure when they inject dye into you uterus (ugh, I just got sick typing that!) and give me an x-ray so that they can see the form of my uterus and fallopian tubes and see if there is any problems there. That kinds disgusts me, but it needs to be done. So next month is going to be pretty intense. I going to start the whole fertility drug thing. I'm going to take clomid, and ovulation stimulator, also progesterone, and to top it off, a shot of HCG. But the good news is that my doctor was really confident that I could get pregnant in 2-3 months! Woah, That is insane to me!

Holy crap, I can't believe I'm going to do this. I'm really glad that I am, but I know that I really had to go through what I did to get to this point. If I had done this right from the beginning I don't think that I would have been ready for it. For a person who rarely goes to the doctor and has the phobia that I do, this is way, way intense for me. I don't think I could've handled it back then. So even though its been a hard, painful road, I know it was the one that I need to take.

I am really grateful for everyone who has been an great support to me. A special shout out to my cousin Tabby, who has been pushing me from the beginning. She was always there to motivate me and "offer" her opinions about what I should do, and make me take action when I didn't want to. It's been great because she went through all the fertility things before, so it's been nice to have a friend that's already been down that road and can say " I know how you feel". She is way better at handling doctors than I am, which I admit, am jealous of. I haven't always

appreciated her pushiness, but I am really glad that she has always been there to push me and say "you can do this!". Thanks Tabby for being a part of my success!

I also need to credit my cousin Trina for being an inspiration for me to start this blog! I love you so much and can always count on you to leave supportive and inspiring comments!

To all my new friends- Thank you for believing in me!

Big weekend for babies, weird weekend for me

It was a busy weekend for me again. Sister-in-law #1 gave birth to her new son on Saturday morning and Sister-in-law #2 gave birth to her new son on Sunday morning. Yep, two new babies in the family, one from my side, one from my husband's side. It's kinda cool I suppose, but sometimes I feel like I have no way of fending off these swooping baby attacks. I try not to think about things too much, because sometimes I work myself up into an emotional fervor, but its a little hard to avoid when it's been put right in your face constantly. Anyway, I am sorta happy that they've had their babies, and that part is over, rather that seeing a belly on someone else and know that it's an emotional ticking time bomb for me. I know other people that are pregnant, but it is a lot harder when it comes from within your own family. The thing is, I really am happy that they are having children. I love my nieces and nephews. It just, I kinda grieve over the fact that I've missed out on it, and that when I have a baby, they aren't going to have cousins their same age. I think about that because I grew up with several cousins the same age as me and I loved it! I would really like for my future children to have that, and feel guilty if they don't. I know it's not my fault, but still... Anyway, it's not like there will never be a chance of my kids having cousins their same age, but every family pregnancy feels like a missed opportunity for me to provide that.

Anyway, I got some awesome news today! The fertility clinic that I had an appointment for next month had a cancellation and can get me in this Thursday! Woot Woot! I am so excited! This is going to be the beginning of something great! Wish me luck and pray for me that I won't be overly nervous at the doctors..I'm going to need it!

....and I'm back!

I have been really frustrated the past few days, not knowing what to do. I've been thinking about whether or not I want to continue on the path I've been on or to maybe try something else. Should I go back on progesterone? Will that help? Will that hurt? Is what I'm doing now all that helpful? What do I need to do to increase my chances? Is anything going to help me more or should I just wait and see?

The thing is, I don't know the answers to these questions. I keep thinking that the answer will just come to me, I'll just know, but that is not the case. I realized that I won't know, I can't know, not until I have more information. But to require more information, it means, yet again I have to step into the scary unknown. I was downright terrified of what comes next. I picture it sitting there in the distance clouded in darkness, a blurry, undefinable shape, ready to strike. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face that just yet.

Today I went to the Temple. I went with questions in my mind. I wasn't sure that I would find any exact answers there, but I knew it would give me comfort, give me hope. What would happen? I was nervous. I won't tell you exactly what I experienced in there, but I will tell you I came out feeling confident and strong. I felt as if a burden had been lifted, and I knew that I had the strength to carry on. A smile, a lightness had returned to me. It would be okay. I just needed to keep on searching, keep on moving to find my answers. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I knew I could do it.

Right after I went to the temple, I went directly to my doctors office. I asked them to print out the results of all the labs I had done so that I could have all the information at my fingertips. I also asked them to refer me to a fertility specialist, and they referred me to a fertility center. I know that I need to go see another doctor. I need another opinion, more information, I'm craving more information. So I got home, called them and set up an appointment! I'm excited for it, but they couldn't get me in until next month on the 17th! Wish it could be sooner, cause I feel like I'm back in the game an ready to play! Oh, well. Just knowing that I'm moving on is exciting.

Anyway, feeling good today!

I just don't know anymore....

Well, Things went ok at the doctor's this week, except that whoever took my blood must have been new because it really hurt my arm this time. Like she jammed the thing in really far. I'm not kidding, my arm hurt all day, and usually it doesn't hurt much at all. Icky. Anyway, the results came back good! They said the dosage was working for me, but I could go back to my other medication if I felt it was better. They asked me how I was feeling. Um, better but not my best. I just don't know. It never seems that any medication makes me feel tons better. I mean, I don't get as fatigued and things like that, it just seems like none of the stuff I've taken makes me feel tons better. Just that it takes the edge off, but its not like I feel like a whole new person or anything.

So its good that I've found a dosage that's (seemingly) working...good news, right? It's just...I don't know... I should feel happy about it, but I don't really. Not as much as I think I should. I just don't know if this is all I need to do. Yeah, my thyroid might be getting along ok, but I know that doesn't guarantee anything. I'm just soo used to being disappointed sometimes it seems like nothing will work. And when I felt like I was on the right track in the past, I still didn't get pregnant. So it's kinda hard to even trust when it's good news.

So my thyroid may be working, but I don't know if there is more I need to do. I need to find out more, but what? What's next? I'm so used to not having a definitive answer of " this will be the thing that will help you get pregnant, finally" that it's hard to even know what direction I'm going in.

For now I'm going to stay on medication. I feel like there is something else I need to know, or maybe it's because I don't feel like I can trust anyone when they say that I'm doing good, I don't know, but it always feels like there is always something else, some other challenge to face, some new obstacle down the path to overcome, and it's NEVER GOING TO END. Maybe I feel that way because that's how its always been with this whole infertility thing.

So I'm getting frustrated so right now I'm just going to take a break, then after that plan my next move. Don't know what that is right now, but I will figure it out sooner or later.

I thought weekends were supposed to be fun...

What a weekend! I had some challenges to get through. First on Saturday, was my sister-in-law Jenny's baby shower. Then, on Sunday, my sister had her baby blessed in church. So..yeah..

Anyway, I really wanted Jenny to have a good baby shower, since she's having her third and never had a baby shower before. Plus she's been having a hard time lately, so I tried to be excited for her and help give her a good party. I thought that it would help if I involved myself in it instead of sitting on the sidelines, since it would help me feel more supportive and happy about it. Not that I'm not excited about having a new nephew, it's just with my circumstances, well, you know. So anyway, I spent all of Friday making a really cute cake and lots of treats for the shower. I also spent a lot of time preparing games. On Saturday, I went with my sister to buy decorations and helped Jenny's sister-in-law Trisha set up and prepare for the party at Trisha's house. The party started and I was having a good time until I tried to do the games. Then I got really irritated because people were being really dumb about doing the games. I got this baby themed charades game and they acted like they didn't know how to play. Charades. Seriously. One person asked me " How do we play?" After I had explained. "I was like, Well, it's charades, with baby-themed actions" Blank stare. Really? Then I tried to do this pin-the-bun-on-the-oven game, which I spent an hour making out of really cute scrapbook paper. You know the traditional route of that game, blindfold and spin the person around, and see how close to the object (in this case a pregnant belly) they can get. I went first to demonstrate. But no one wanted to do it, and I asked this older lady and she said "No, I'll get dizzy" Umm, that's sorta the point, you moron! Then we did this fill in the blank nursery rhyme game I printed off the internet. One of the phrases was a little different than normal, and everyone seemed to have a problem with it. When I gave them this answer that I had from the answer key, this one lady would not let it go that she thought it wasn't right. I tried to explain that that was just the answer that came with the game, I wasn't trying to say she wasn't right, I was just saying that's what the game said, but she felt she needed to argue with me over it, when everyone else was thinking that it was just from a different verse of the rhyme. I was this close to yelling " I don't care what you think, its just the answer I have, you stupid old cow!" I realized that I was super irritated because it was really hard for me to be there in the first place, and I had spent all this time preparing and trying to make it a nice party and people were being stupid. The thought was going through my head "I don't have to be here, you know, I didn't have to come and deal with this, I was just trying to make it nice for Jenny" It was a challenge, but I finally got through it. I almost walked out, though. The only thing that helped me, and this sounds weird, was to take my sister's baby girl and walk around with her. I thought it was good because I had a reason to walk around and not have to interact with anyone because I was busy taking care of her. Jenny had a really good time, which I am glad for.

So then on Sunday, I went to my sister's baby blessing. After church we went over to her in-laws for a luncheon which I helped to prepare even though I hadn't planned on it. I took the cake that I made for Jenny's shower to it because no one ate it at her party. I added some pink to it to make it look like it was for my niece, and I got a lot of compliments on how cute it was and how yummy it was so that made me feel better. That wasn't so bad, but still a reminder of my own crappy circumstances.

So anyway, I go in this week to get my thyroid tested again. I hope that things are normal, and the new medication is working, but kinda doubt it since I'm still getting headaches. At least they aren't everyday now. They're starting to go away, but I'm still getting them 2-3 days a week. Some improvement, though. Anyway, wish me luck!

Edit: Pics of cake. It says "Welcome Baby Liam" For my sister's party I took off the bottle shapes, put more dots on and added smaller pink dots on top of the blue ones, but I didn't get a pic of that.

Time keeps on slippin'....

Today is my best friend's birthday, she is nine months younger than me so it's always nice to say to her "Ha! Now you're old like me!". The sad thing is, I really do feel old. Sometimes I look at kids (yes, kids!) in their early 20s and think to myself, that used to be me, young, vibrant, full of energy and interests..now I just feel old, tired, and disinterested. I feel like I've aged a lot more in the past 3 years. I look in the mirror and see dull skin, boring hair, under eye circles, and the beginnings of wrinkles. A chubby tummy and thighs and cellulite, ick. What happened to me?, I say to myself, and then I realize "Ah! You've had the stress of infertility hanging over you!" I'm sure having a thyroid condition isn't doing me any favors, either. Now most people would be like, you're crazy! I try to be carefree, I really do. I start out every month thinking "Its no big deal if you don't get pregnant this month, you're doing the best you can, and it will happen eventually". Then the month ends. Not pregnant, yet again. I'm an entire month older, closer to my next birthday, and I feel like time is slipping away from me. I'm no youthful, fertility goddess, just a woman that doesn't feel like a woman, yet keeps getting older. I'm turning 29 in July. When I first started trying, it was like, oh, well as long as I'm a Mom when I'm 27 that will be great! Then it was 28, 29, and to have a baby before I turn 30, I need to get pregnant by this Fall. Don't know if that's going to happen. I know that it's not a big deal, really, not in the long run, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

Anyway, sorry if this is depressing. But this blog is about honesty so I'm trying to be honest about some of the things I feel sometimes. But you know what? I'm still grateful for my life. I'm grateful I can lace up my running shoes and hear the sound of my feet on the sidewalk, and breath the fresh air. I'm grateful that I have time to do my decorating projects, that I can go out on a date with my hubby on a whim. I'm grateful for good neighbors and friends, and to have love for others. I'm still going to live my life, in fact, I'm determined to.

Flawed yes, giving up no

I help out my brother... A LOT... and people say to me "oh, you're such a good sister" and "Wow! I wouldn't even do that for my own brother" and even " Can't you just tell him no?" I do do a lot for him, more that most people would, and I have said no on occasion. You know what my secret is to looking like the world best sister?(ok, maybe I'm giving myself too much credit now). Three words: Big Stinky Fits. Yes, I am a 28 year old woman that still throws fits. Now much of this has to do with growing up the youngest. I have one little sister that is 13 years younger, so I pretty much was the baby of the family growing up. Which means I get to throw fits around my family. I don't do it around most people, though, thus maintaining my facade of the perfect sister. Here is a sampling of a typical exchange with my brother:

" Molly can you do X for me?"

" What! are you kidding me? I don't want to do that! I've got a life you know!"

"Please? I need help and no one else will do it"

"Seriously? You know, I wonder what it would be like to actually get paid for doing work, since that never happens"

"Please Molly? I'll buy you lunch!"

"Ugh... fine, I'll do it. You don't have to buy me lunch, I'll see you in a little bit"

"Thanks Molly!"

Yep, that's how it goes. See, my brother knows that sometimes I just need to yell, and he know that I'll get over it pretty fast, and I'll help him because I really do want to. And a lot of times my brothers just laugh at my fits because they come out really sarcastic sometimes. It's true, sometimes I just need to throw a little fit, yell a bit, and then I'll get over it. This is something my husband is still figuring out about me. And I think that I can get away with it because my family doesn't take me too seriously. But I know that its a flaw that I need to work on, because as much as I want to, it's a bad habit. I can express my displeasure better to people I'm not close to, and even though those that I'm close to know about my habit and it's not meant to be personal, I can still end up hurting their feelings. And I hate hurting people's feelings! I can be pretty feisty during a confrontation, but I almost always end up crying because I feel bad about what I said. So I know that I need to work on that. I am really grateful for the time I have had to work on things and as much as it's been hard waiting to start a family, it's nice to have some time of personal reflection. I don't want to be the person that throws fits anymore. I have to come up with some alternatives to express myself. I know it will be hard work, though. And I do have a kind and soft heart and compassion for people, I just need that to be my first reaction and use it in a good way. I need to be better to my family. I don't ever want to say, "that's just how I am and I can't change that", because I do want to change, and I believe that I can. So here's to self-improvement!

Not a Joker

Happy April Fools Day! I have to tell you, I've never been much of a fan. I think it's great in theory, but I don't really like practical jokes (and why do they call them practical, anyway? am I the only person that thinks this doesn't make sense?). Maybe because I'm not very good at executing them. I pretty bad at it actually. One year my cousin and I baked cookies with just salt in them and tried to give them to our brothers, but it didn't really take. I think our willingness to bring them cookies and our giggling gave it away.

Then a few years ago before my husband and I were trying( oh, those wonderful, naive days!), I thought I had finally come up with a good one. My cousin, who I called quite regularly, had this habit of immediately asking if I was pregnant when I called. She still does that sometimes, actually, though it's not usually the 1st thing she asks. Anyway, so I called her and the first thing she asked me was "So are you pregnant?" And I said "yes!", while quietly laughing to myself. She got really excited and suddenly said "Me too! this will be so great, we will be pregnant together!" and on and on... Woops! So I had to find a way to break into her happy diatribe and say "um, not really, uh, April fools?" She was pretty mad and I felt really bad. Yeah, so guess who was the fool in that situation? I guess I'm just not meant to be a practical joker. But I am pretty good at sneaking up to people and scaring them. Sometimes I do it without even trying.

Anyways, whether you are a joker or just enjoy a good joke, Have a good April 1st!

Knowing

Its been a nice day. I'm finally caught up on laundry. Everything is clean and put away...except for the socks. I despise matching and folding socks. I have no patience for it. I always leave it for the end. So here I am writing in my blog instead of folding socks. Seems like a fair trade to me!

So, I'm doing ok. Still dealing with daily headaches. Exercising is helping alot, but I still wake up with one, so I'll go out for a run and that helps, but by the evening it's back again. But on the upside I haven't had many problems with depression or anxiety lately, so I am happy about that.

My relief society president (from the women's organization of my church for my non LDS friends) called me and asked how I was doing on Sunday and since she knows about my infertility problem she asked me about how things were going with that. I told her I was trying to figure out my thyroid still, so I'm pretty much focused on that for the time being. And I really want to get it leveled out before I get pregnant. She said that I look really good and that I don't look like I have a thyroid problem, which was really nice of her to say. She sees me out running so she asked if that helped me with my weight. To be honest, I have had problems with not being able to lose weight before, but its always been within a normal range even if I'm heavier than I would like. I've gained 7 pounds back in the past 3 months, but I don't really care about that now. I've been feeling so crappy lately that all I want is to feel better, yeah and gaining weight back sucks, but really I've been exercising because I know it will help me feel better. If it didn't, I honestly don't know if I'd have the motivation to do it at all. Some days all I really want is to do is lay in bed and eat cake. But I know that won't help me. Still doesn't mean that I don't want to, though. Its hard to fight those feelings sometimes, but I just know I have to.

Anyway, I brought up that conversation because it did really make me think about how I felt about my thyroid issues. Sometimes it helps me to have people ask me questions because then I can really voice out loud how I feel and sometimes I say things in a way that I hadn't actually thought of before. So, yeah, it helps me to be asked questions. If you guys have any I'd be happy to answer them!

So back to knowing that I have to motivate myself...I do that because I do know that I am meant to have children. I don't know how or when, but I do know that I will. I've had spiritual experiences that have helped me to know that. And whenever I'm feeling doubtful (and I do from time to time) I can tell myself that yes, I know I am meant to have children, and to have them with my husband. Some people have asked me about if I would adopt, and while I am not against adoption at all, If I felt like it was what I needed to do, I would totally do it, I just know that I will have my own, with my husband. I just know.

Its funny because I went with my sister to her doctor's appointment yesterday. I went with her and took care of my niece (I did get that yucky feeling I normally do at the doctors, but got through it) while I was in the room with her. I was thinking "oh, boy, am I really going to be able to go through with this in the future?". Kinda made me laugh a little inside like " duh, of course you will, you wimp!". Anyway, afterwards we went to lunch, and she said to me that while we were there and she was looking at me holding her daughter, she thought to herself "Yeah, they're going to have their own. She going have her own someday" Can I just tell you how much that means to me? Really, it nice to know that someone else has had the same feelings I have had. It was a real gift.

So I am really glad I had that little boost of confidence. Well, the journey goes on...wonder what will be next?

Simple Things

I've been feeling pretty cruddy lately. With working long hours on a film set and going through changes in medications, I haven't just felt normal for a while. I've been getting headaches daily again and I'm quite sick of it. But I don't want to be downing tylenol and exedrin all the time, when it really doesn't get ride of the pain anyway, just takes a bit of the edge off. But I had the day to myself today, which is nice to have some quiet time. And I did some yoga today. I'm amazed what 20 minutes of gentle yoga can do. I just did some simple poses, which don't even look like the would do much, but I tell ya, I had all sorts of cracks and pops coming from all over. I didn't realize how much tension built up in my body. And I feel so much better! Headache is gone for now! I am really grateful for that and who'da thought that just a few minutes of simple yoga could do that. I forgot how much better it makes me feel. I think that we tend to forget the simple things in life, when really that's what makes us happiest most of the time. Like laughing over something completely silly that makes no sense at all, or having hubby fold the towels, or a short walk in brisk autumn weather. Bouncing on the trampoline with my nephews, eating fresh raspberries from Grandma's garden, running down the beach and crashing into the water, or lunch with a good friend. I'm filling my head with happy thoughts so there won't be room for the headache. Hope you all are having a good day and think of something simple that makes you happy too!

Thyroid update

Things have been going good on the film set. Long days, but it's really fun being around lots of creative people. It's a nice change of pace for me, since I'm usually by myself all day, its great being around so much activity.

Anyway, I got my blood drawn yesterday and got the results today. My thyroid has gone back to hypo, which isn't that much of a surprise to me, but annoying none the less. Why can't the dang thing just work? Oh, well. So my doctor is going to put me on a different medication for it. I can't recall what exactly it is right now, but I'm going to pick it up at the pharmacy tomorrow. Then I get to go back in a month and get it tested again. Yeah. I am hopeful that it will work. They asked me if I still wanted to be on my previous medication (Armor), but I said I was willing to try something different. I mean, not that it didn't help me, it just didn't make a huge difference in how I felt, so I may as well try something else. I just want to get it taken care of, so even though it's not going to be the greatest trying something new, then testing, then repeating the same thing over again, I am willing to do it because I do want to find something that works. Plus I got a little personal spiritual message, or feeling, if you will, that I still need to learn patience a couple weeks ago. Dang. How much longer am I going to have to learn this lesson? I don't know, but I do know things will work out in the end. Anyway, I will update again in probably a week. Hope that I will be feeling better then. I've done ok on my goals, but haven't been exercising, with being on the film set and all. At least the people who are doing catering for it have lots of healthy options for the food, so I'm good there!

Brief Hiatus plus AWESOME NEWS!!

These next two weeks, I am probably not going to write much. My brother needs help with his senior film project, and I will be on set and all that. It will be pretty cool, and he is wanting to turn this project into a web series. We'll see about that in the future. Anyway, I'm going to be really busy. Wish me luck!

Oh, and great news! My friends Karen and James have been chosen by a birth Mom! I am beyond excited for them! If you are curious about it, you can read their blog. It's the only one on my blog list right now.

Want a Girl or Boy?: How diet can effect gender and other things in pregnancy.

I come across some strange facts sometimes, and here is one for you: According to a UK study, women who ate breakfast when trying to conceive were more likely to have boys opposed to women who didn't eat breakfast that were more likely to have girls. Cool, huh? While its not a huge difference they found, it does show you that your diet affects your baby even before you conceive! So it is really, really important to have healthy habits even before you are pregnant. Even if you just think you may be ready for a baby within a few years, you should treat your body well.

here's a link to the story:

http://www.ox.ac.uk/media/news_stories/2008/080423.html

here's one on how eating licorice can affect your baby (it's not good):

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/edinburgh_and_east/8292392.stm

here's one about the effects of stress in the mother on the fetus (reminds me that I need to meditate more):

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/10/081027140724.htm

And one more, about how what you eat during pregnancy will affect what your baby will like to eat:

http://news.discovery.com/human/pregnancy-diet-baby-brain.html

Hope you find these articles as interesting as I did!

Healthy Living

I've been kinda busy this past week, hence the lack of posts. I've also had chronic headaches as well, so really I just want to lie in bed when I'm not doing anything anyway. I'm serious, I've had a headache everyday for more than a week. I was fine yesterday, but then it came on again last night. I woke up feeling good today, but within a half an hour, there it was again! It's probably from going off my medications, but I don't know how much more if this I can take. Anyway, I was doing some research this morning and came across this article:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21950102/ns/today-today_health/

Granted, it's a few years old and most of the info is a no brainier. Eating healthy and exercising will help increase your fertility? No way! But still, helps me to keep up with my own goals in that, because I know it will help me. Because it gets really hard to not get frustrated. There are all these things that I have to worry about and make sure I do, and even if I do it perfectly, chances are I still don't get pregnant! And I see women who are unhealthy, don't exercise, eat whatever they want, and pretty much put no effort into it, and get pregnant. Don't you think that sounds a bit unfair? So I have to remind myself not to give up because whether I get pregnant or not, I still want to be the healthiest I can for me. I know that it's worth it no matter what! But there are still times when I get discouraged and feel like what's the point of trying. Hey, some days are more of a struggle than others, but in the end I know that I'm willing to do what it takes. Not that I don't have my moments of weakness or setbacks even, but I know I'm doing my best to move forward, as hard as it may be sometimes.

p.s. Oh, for my enjoyment today, I will be working on recovering that 70s chair and watching the ultimate adaptation of Pride and Prejudice, you know the one! Can I just fast forward to the part where he dives into the pond? Rawr!! I think if anything can cure my headaches, it's Colin Firth!

Fun for Today- 70s-tastic photo shoot!

This is what I did to enjoy myself today. I bought this fantastic chair from a thrift store a couple of weeks ago for $18. I absolutely love it. But the day after I brought it home, hubby asked "So when are you going to recover that chair?" and I was like "Don't you like it?" and he said " Its a bit too 70's". Hello?! that's what I love about it!! I absolutely love anything cheesy about the 70s, but he has a point, maybe it doesn't belong in a modern home. So I have plans to reupholster it, but thought it would be fun to do a photo shoot with it first. The pics turned out ok, but it was hard to get a good shot of it and me just using the timer on the camera. All in all, it looks pretty good. I was going for the rock and roll fan basement dweller look. I had fun doing it!

New Goals

Well, I've been in pretty awful moods lately, but have been thinking about some things. I have about a month before I get my thyroid checked again, and it would nice if it was functioning normally so I wouldn't have to worry about it. So my goal for the next month is to be a healthy as I can be. I'm a recovering sugar addict, and I was doing great for six months, only having a small treat once a week and not really craving it. Then the holidays came and kinda threw me off that. So I have goal to get back to that, which means lots of fruit until I get the cravings down. And chocolate chips will be an aide for that too. I like to put them in the freezer, and one small handful is enough to swash a craving. My other goals are to do some sort of exercise 4 times a week. This past summer and fall, I was working out six days a week, running every morning, 30 mins of yoga/pilates in the afternoons, and then an after dinner walk. Then winter came and I lost motivation (hey, its cold outside! and it gets dark way earlier!). I've manage to keep off most of what I lost, but it's slowly creeping back on, and I want to avoid getting back to where I was. So I'm going to start off slow again, but find new ways to exercise.

Another goal that is unrelated to the prior, is to do something that I enjoy everyday. I have the time right now to enjoy some things, so I should be taking advantage of the time I have now. Yesterday I took a bath in the middle of the day and read a book. And I drank chocolate milk and watched cheesy sitcoms on Hulu. Silly, yes, but I had a bad headache so it was nice to just relax for a while. Anyway, I think it will help reduce my stress if I look for something to enjoy everyday. So those are my new goals! Wish me luck!

My Worst Day

It's been a rough weekend for me. I'm doing alright now, but it's "that time of the month" and I'm prone to headaches, so haven't been feeling that well. Seems like everything happens to me at once. My sister having a baby, which isn't that bad but still have to deal with some feelings it brings up there. I was okay with seeing just the baby, but it was really hard to see her and her husband and baby together, it being their first child and seeing a little happy new family was the hard part. And then of course, I have to get my period. Really? But I had a good cry yesterday, so I got that out of the way. Yeah, but things just seem to coincide with each other right when I'm already feeling depressed/stressed.

Last fall I had the worst day. I got my period, found out my sister-in-law was pregnant(and it was pretty much a whoops! type thing for her), and got stuck it traffic for over an hour all on the same day. And it got worse. I called my husband at work to tell him not to take the freeway home because it was packed, and his supervisor thought it would be hilarious to get on the phone and make a joke about my husband cheating on me. Like that is ever appropriate. I really lost it! It took all that I could manage to be as polite as I could to the jerk, and that was to tell him to "Shut the hell up!" and also " I didn't call you, I called my husband, so could you put him back on the phone?!" I could've used a lot worse language, I'll tell you that. It took a lot of restraint not to, but come on! It was such an awful day. Anyways, things have been better since then, and I still have bad days, but I figure if I could get through that day, I could get through any bad day.

Anyway, sorry for the complaining. You know what I need? A good laugh. Here's one: the great chicken dance from Arrested Development. Never ceases to make me smile. If you've never seen it, I highly recommend it!

Watch a remix here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8x-7v3PJ6Eg&feature=related

New Life, Isn't it precious?

This is my new niece, she was born yesterday morning. I went to the hospital to be with my sister, who was not feeling well after the birth, but she did the whole thing natural! I'm so proud of her. Anyway, I don't really like hospitals, so I just focused on staying by my sister's side to help and comfort her. She was sad that she was feeling so weak so it was harder for her to hold the baby. She seemed to be improving by the time I left, though. I did pretty well, I felt okay most of the time. I just wanted to comfort my sister because she wasn't feeling well and she said she didn't think that she could do that again! and that it was harder than she thought! But she has a very cute and sweet baby. I love her already!

You gotta have faith...

There is a phrase that people use quite frequently, if you are dealing with infertility and other things too, that is meant to be comforting, but is just plain annoying. What is this phrase, you may ask? "It will happen when it's supposed to happen" There may be some truth to it, yes, but that does not help me. It's kinda like saying "oh, don't worry", to me that would be exactly the same as saying "oh, just stop caring about it" First of all, there is no way that I would not stop worrying about it. I could see how you don't want to be obsessive or overly stressed, but come on! After trying for over two years, I think I'm way past the breezy, carefree "oh, lets just see" phase. There is a time to be patient, and there is a time to act. That brings me to my next point, which is, it kinda implies telling you not to do anything. Well, I know that if I never did anything and just did the "let nature take it's course" thing, I would never get pregnant. How do I know this? Well, even if I didn't have any problems, my husband still did! If I had never done anything myself, I wouldn't have had the motivation for getting him to do anything either. So even though now I am in a "you gotta have patience" phase right now, I am still active, I'm still trying to figure things out.

So what would I like to hear instead? I really prefer "Have faith that things will work out in the way they need to"I like what the word faith implies, its something more active, it gives you a little more control, at least over what you are feeling, and it can lead to action. To some it might be a little preachy, but having faith is huge for me. I think I would've just given up if I didn't have faith that yes, I was meant to have my own children, and to have them with my husband. I have had experiences that have kept me on this path and have affirmed my feelings. Its hard, though, faith is an active thing, its not just something you have, its something you do, something you practice. Sometimes you are faced with things that you just don't want to do, and it takes summoning faith to power through them. Today, I was helping my sister organize her baby room in her new house. Was it the easiest thing for me? No, but she needed my help and even though I started to feel sad, I put it aside and just thought "Someday it will be me. I know it" And I kept having to say that until I really felt it. I am also trying to prepare myself for when she has her baby, which could be any time now. I excited for her and to meet my new niece, but its kinda a double-edged sword. There is joy in it, but given my situation, there is sadness in me too. But I know that it will be alright. I am stronger than I was before, and I know that I can get through this and be even more strong. Even if I feel sad or depressed, I will be okay.

Results are in

Hey, Everyone, I hope you all had a fun Valentines Day! Mine was good. Did all the typical Valentines Day things. You know, guys complain about having to get girls presents for valentines, when it's so easy for them. The holiday pretty much dictates: flowers, card, chocolates. No thought required! We girls don't have a that kind of privilege, we actually have to put more thought into what we give our sweethearts. I wonder what the male equivalent of flowers and chocolates would be. A video game and a bag of Doritos perhaps? I don't know....

Anyway, I've got an update. Got my test results back. Looks like I'm ovulating (good news), and my progesterone is in the normal range, but in my opinion still a bit low. My level was a 11.6 on day 21 which is good, you want it to be a 10-12, but higher is better. I talked to my cousin Tabby because she knows alot about this kind of stuff. She said that if you have a level of 10 then it means you ovulate, but it need to be at 12 for the egg to be big or developed(something like that) enough to be able to conceive. I could possibly do it with that 11.6, who knows?

I'd be more convinced if it was just a stinkin' 12! Anyway, my doctor doesn't think I need to be on progesterone now, but would definitely put me on it after I get pregnant. And he said he would prescribe me progesterone now if I thought I would feel better with it. I don't know. Even though it helped me feel alot better when I first took it, the past six months I've been using it, it seem to not be as effective. It did help just enough to take the edge off, but I've still been having depression. I think it helped me manage my anxiety better, I didn't get as panic-y. I am willing to try being without it, seeing as my levels are fine, but I know that it is something I had to be on for a while at least. I can always have him prescribe it if I feel I really need it again.

I also got my thyroid checked, and its now hyper when it used to be on the other side (hypo). Last time I got it checked, I had leveled out, but its one of those things you have to check more frequently and adjust your dosage as you need it. My doctor was going to reduce my dosage, but now wants me off of it for a month and will test it again. Hmmm, guess it will be something that I will have to try. I do think going on medication for it was something that I needed to do at the time, and do for a while. I'm kinda hoping that my body can readjust itself, it would be nice not to have to worry about taking meds. I still need my supplements, though, I know that.

Anyway, I'm super glad that I'm ovulating so I don't have to take a fertility drug for that. We will see how the next couple of months go. Hopefully, we will figure out what my body needs at this time to get pregnant!

Dealing with the Baby Brigade -plus- Some More Info on Reproduction

Today I get to go to the lab and get my blood drawn. It's been a while since I had that done, not my favorite thing in the world, but not too bad. I'm anxious for the results because then I'll have some more info on what other steps I need to take.

Now being my age, having tons of cousins, lots of friends, and just living in baby making central (Utah) in general, there is no end to the continual onslaught (maybe not the best word, but I can't think of another right now) of pregnant women and new babies. It's the baby brigade people, a parade of new babies that never ends. Oh, you think that it's over, that there will be a break from it at least for a few months, but no, just as it's finished, a new wave is on its way. It never ends! Which leaves us infertile women thinking that there is some magic potion that we aren't privy to. Or just something in the water that we don't absorb. Hey, if there was some sort of "magic kool-aid" to get pregnant, I'd gladly take it. Anyway, there's been a crop of new babies lately, mostly from my cousins. They are darling little things. But you always are end up feeling left out no matter the cuteness of the babies. I've got to prepare myself for a new niece soon and 2 new nephews in a few months. But I know that even given my situation, the best thing to do is to be a mother to these new children. No, they are not "mine" in the conventional sense, but that doesn't mean that I can't help raise them or be a good example or love them. And there are perks to being the fun Aunt. Anyway, it takes fair number of good people in a child's life to help them and be good examples. Just some thoughts for today.

Oh, and kinda on an unrelated note, it is quite the harrowing journey for sperm to reach the egg! I watched this video which doesn't really give much information, but I thought it was a good illustration of "The Great Sperm Race" :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6wlyDoDS1c

And this Nova program has more info on the sperm's journey and other things about pregnancy:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/miracle/program.html

Interesting stuff!